Is Your Phone Controlling You?

In a world where our phones seem glued to our hands, it’s worth asking: Is your phone controlling you, or are you controlling your phone?

As Christians, we’re called to live with intentionality, wisdom, and self-control — but our devices can subtly become idols that steal our time, attention, and even our peace. I honestly have found myself lately making my phone an idol; receiving more of my attention than my own family. However, if you are still in denial about this then I challenge you to ask yourself these three questions:

• Do you check your phone first thing in the morning — before praying or thanking God for a new day?

• Is it hard to put your phone down during meals, conversations, or even church?

• Do you feel anxious or restless when you're without your phone?

• Does screen time leave you feeling drained, not refreshed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then I would really question yourself “who is in control? Me or my phone?

One of the best things I could do is to make my smartphone equivalent to a flip phone. What I mean by that is removing all of the extra apps. This will look different for each individual. For example, you might find yourself needing to remove ESPN, games, Youtube TV, etc. For me, I needed to remove all of the different shopping apps: (Kroger, Sams, Costco, Thrive Market, Amazon, Target, etc.). In my personal reflection of how I use my phone, I quickly realized that something that once was a strength of mine has turned into an unhealthy trait. What I mean by that, is I have always loved being prepared, organized, and constantly thinking ahead. (One might quickly realize the root of this is control; this is a topic for another time). However, I used to be able to save my grocery list management for evenings when my daughter was fast asleep. However, it turned into constant scrolling through good bargains, constantly looking for healthier/better things, etc. Did I need all of this? No. From my quick personal assessment I realized that dumbing down my phone for me, looked like doing all of my grocery orders on my computer rather than my phone. Yes, this can be inconvenient at times as we are all used to solving problems such as these, in the matter of seconds by opening the app on our phone and selecting “check out”. Now, I allocate time for myself to really assess if this is needed. Most times it is not. 

Reclaiming Control Here’s how to break free and use your phone more intentionally:

• Start Your Day with God, Not Your Phone: Begin your morning with prayer, scripture, or quiet reflection before you check your notifications. For me, I am challenging myself to not have my phone on my nightstand. 

• Set Time Limits: Many phones have built-in screen time trackers — use them to create healthy boundaries. Challenge everyone in your house to have less than 3 hours of screentime.

• Turn Off Non-Essential Notifications: This cuts down on interruptions and helps you stay present.

• Schedule Tech-Free Time: Dedicate parts of your day or week to be completely phone-free — like during meals, family time, or personal devotion.

• Ask God for Help: Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Pray for wisdom and strength to resist the pull of your phone.

Philippians 4:8 “​​Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” This verse reminds us to think about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Let’s use our devices in ways that reflect those values.

Lastly, The Danger of Distraction Phones are powerful tools, but they can also be powerful distractions. Social media, endless notifications, and constant scrolling pull us away from what matters most — time with God, our families, and meaningful relationships. Ephesians 5:15-16 reminds us, "Be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." How often do we lose precious moments to mindless browsing? 

Where can you take a baby step today to gain control over your phone?

www.rocksolidfamilies.org

Nuturing Godly Friendships

I don’t know about you, but I do not thrive with surface level friendships. In fact, on my first day of work at Rock Solid Families, I shared with a new co-worker about the hard season my family was walking through, only to find out that she could relate! Little did she know, I had prayed on my way to work that God would show up that day to help me feel comfortable and less nervous; I knew this was the answer to that prayer. 

More times than not, surface-level friendships are what most friendships look like in our world today. As we all know, schedules can be too crammed full while losing sight of creating intentionality in relationships. I see this often while working with families, especially families with several kids who are not going by the 1:1:1 rule (1 sport per child per season). We get it…  You’re running to several sporting events, clubs, church activities, etc. However, we believe and know that God calls us to have deeper friendships, and Jesus portrayed this well during his time on Earth. Proverbs 27:17 reminds us, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Let’s explore what makes a friendship truly Godly and how to cultivate these Christ-centered connections.

I’m sure that as some of you are reading this, you are low-key panicking because you know that on the other side of having deeper friendships is the requirement for you to be vulnerable. I hear you, and I know that this is very uncomfortable for you, or may even bring up memories of bad friendships. However, I would really like to know, were your friendships created with healthy boundaries as well as a mutual faith between you and your friend in the first place? If it were a bad relationship, I would guess not.

The Foundation of a Godly Friendship:

A godly friendship starts with a shared faith in Christ. When two people are both committed to loving and following Jesus, their relationship naturally reflects His love. In 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Paul encourages believers to "encourage one another and build each other up." A Christ-centered friendship uplifts, supports, and helps both individuals grow spiritually. You will be able to tell whether the friendship lines up with this verse by pausing, reflecting on your conversations, and noticing what you were talking about. Are you gossiping or are you pointing each other to Christ? Are you talking about worldly temptations or are you talking about accountability for each other? I will challenge you and say that if you are finding yourself in the negatives of those questions, then you fully know that this doesn’t feel great or may not be a long-term friendship. What will your conversations be about when you have gossiped about everything or lived such a worldly life that you are completely depleted? There is a whole new world out there on the other side of your biggest fears, so let’s get started! 

Characteristics of a Godly Friendship

• Love and Sacrifice: True friends love selflessly, as Christ loves us (John 15:13).

• Honesty and Accountability: A godly friend tells the truth in love, even when it’s hard (Ephesians 4:15).

• Encouragement: They lift you up when you’re weary and remind you of God’s promises (Hebrews 10:24-25).

• Forgiveness: As Christ forgives us, godly friends extend grace and mercy (Colossians 3:13).

I can remember a friendship that I had found myself in previously. The friendship could easily be captured in one word - CODEPENDENT. We did everything together. If one was sad, the other carried that heaviness and always showed up. There wasn’t much room for God in the friendship, other relationships, or even individual time, because we fully believed that in order to be a good friend, we had to prove it 24/7. How exhausting, right?. As life changed, it was an uncomfortable realization that I was prioritizing my friend over my husband, family, etc. Are you in this season with a friend?. Like I always tell my clients, you are in a good place when you realize this and want to do something different for your life! 

How You Can Cultivate Godly Friendships:

• Pray for the Right Friends: Ask God to bring the right people into your life — those who will draw you closer to Him.

• Be a Godly Friend: Focus on being a blessing to others rather than seeking what you can gain.

• Engage in Faith-Based Activities: Join small groups, Bible studies, or church ministries to meet like-minded believers.

• Invest Time and Effort: Meaningful friendships require intentional time together and vulnerability.

• Reflect: Reflect on the characteristics needed in a Godly friendship that were mentioned above. Do you and your friends obtain these?

Godly friendships are worth pursuing and nurturing. They bring joy, strength, and spiritual growth, reflecting God’s design for community. I would venture to guess that you have someone in your mind who you have always wanted to be in community with, but have felt nervous about approaching - now is your time! Reach out to them, the worst thing that could happen is the timing isn’t right for the other person, in which case I encourage you to try again! God will show you friendships that you should start, or even a small group at church that you should join. I vividly remember the day I was going to a small group where I did not know anyone. I drove the hour to get there, and literally almost turned around and went home. However, I knew very clearly that God told me to go. Long story short, this was a group of friends that I needed in my “single season” of life. While these people are not in my closest group anymore, they were definitely the people that God meant for me in that season of life.

I pray today that you can step into friendships that are fuller, deeper, and more life-giving than where you are at now; you have nothing to lose!

www.rocksolidfamilies.org

Being Physically Present With Our Children

In today’s fast-paced world, it’s so easy to get caught up in work, responsibilities, and even digital distractions. But as parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is our presence, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. There are more times than not where I personally am juggling where to spend my time when the house needs to be cleaned and my daughter wants to play; it’s a struggle!

Recently, my church has been discussing the importance of taking a break from our phones. This has been eye-opening to see how it has replaced different times where I could be physically present with my family versus being on my phone “doom scrolling”, shopping, creating grocery orders, etc. 

Throughout His ministry, Jesus was fully present with those around Him. Whether He was healing the sick, teaching His disciples, or welcoming children into His arms, He gave His undivided attention to the people He loved (Mark 10:14). As parents, we are called to reflect this same love and attentiveness to our children.

Why Physical Presence Matters

It Communicates Love – Our presence reassures our children that they are valued. Just as God promises, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5), we too must strive to be a steady, present force in our kids’ lives.

It Builds Security and Trust – Kids feel safe when they know their parents are available to them. Being present during their highs and lows strengthens the parent-child bond and fosters trust.

It Creates Lasting Memories – Childhood passes quickly. The moments we spend playing, laughing, listening, and praying together are the ones our children will remember the most.

I recently felt a “God nudge” when I was in the midst of hurrying my daughter along from looking at something, so in return, I could get to what I wanted to do. This brought a vulnerable conversation with my husband where I could see how I do this more often than not. I’d venture to say that I am not the only parent who struggles with this at times. Once again, it can be hard to juggle responsibilities.

Ways to Be More Present

1. Limit Distractions – Put away the phone, turn off the TV, and give your full attention to your child when they’re talking to you.

2. Prioritize Face-to-Face Time – Family meals, bedtime routines, and spontaneous playtime are all opportunities to be present.

3. Listen with Intentionality – James 1:19 reminds us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak.” Give your kids space to express themselves, knowing they have your full attention.

4. Make Time for Spiritual Growth – Pray together, read Bible stories, and model a life centered on Christ. Your presence in their faith journey will shape their relationship with God.

We recently started prioritizing eating our meals together at our dining room table (which was only used for when guests came over). Previously, we all sat at our kitchen counter, all lined up in a row. This prohibits face-to-face conversations. Now we get to be more physically present with each other, and to make it more special, we light candles at the table every night. It is all about baby steps. What baby step can you take to start being more physically present with the children in your life, your own or friends, family members or neighbors?

Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)

"Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it."  -  This requires us to be intentional, slow down, and look for the teachable moments. 

www.rocksolidfamilies.org

Creating a Life of Proactivity & Not Passiveness

Many Christians struggle with the idea of setting boundaries simply because they fear they might not appear Christ-like. The underlying reason for this could be due to the fear of hurting others, causing conflict, or even appearing unkind. So, instead of setting healthy boundaries to eliminate these “reasons”, we tend to passively endure unhealthy situations. Have you been there? This cycle is not biblical. Within this blog we will be unpacking what it looks like to set boundaries out of love, wisdom, and truth;  NOT out of fear, guilt, or anger. 

If you’re reading this and wondering where you might be more reactive than proactive, I want you to reflect on your parenting style, friendships, and even work relationships. More often than not, whenever we see families in our office, they have arrived at a place where they have been functioning out of reactivity, feeling hopeless, throwing in the towel, and defeated. We recently did a podcast “Do Your Kids Know Your Soft Spots?”. This podcast episode provides you with clear action steps along with relatable stories on how you might be feeling. I’d recommend checking it out if you feel like your kids are calling the shots!

Many times when people hear the word boundaries, it means being harsh, aggressive, or selfish. However, boundaries come from a place of security in Christ, not from a reaction to others. I want you to pause and reflect on that; NOT from a reaction to others. How many times have you found yourself there? When you are making decisions based on emotions or the reaction to a situation that happened? Red flag! This is you functioning in reactivity. Moving forward, we will be talking about how you can take ownership of your life without blaming others. 

• A reactive person avoids conflict, suppresses feelings, and lets resentment build. Eventually you will see them lash out in anger or withdraw completely. 

• A proactive person prayerfully sets boundaries, communicates with wisdom, and lives in peace. 
  

Personally, I have been this reactive person before. For me, this looked like over-committing to try to “prove myself”, whenever that was never needed. This over-committing lifestyle happened in my career and relationships. I remember when I first got married, up until having a baby, I would be busy every night with getting together with friends to prove that I cared about them. This all came to an uncomfortable realization when my baby was born and I was stuck at home with doctor’s orders that I could not walk or drive for 3 weeks. This led to me having a wake-up call to see how I was finding my identity in what everyone else thought of me and not what God thinks of me.  Boy did I have priorities all wrong! Thank God for his grace and patience to show me how he calls me to prioritize my life. This is something I’m learning daily. God gives me the same power as he does you to set healthy boundaries!

2nd Timothy 1:7 “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”

Steps Towards being Proactive VS Reactive:

1. Recognize and Process Your Emotions: Before setting boundaries, identify what you’re feeling. 

2. Set Boundaries Before You Feel Overwhelmed: Set limits when you are calm and clear, not when you are angry or hurt. 

3. Communicate Clearly and Kindly: Practice assertive and loving communication:

Examples: 

a.)  “I’m tired of you taking advantage of me.” vs. “I value our friendship, but I cannot commit to this right now.” 

b.) "You’re always dumping your problems on me, and I can’t take it anymore!" vs.
"I care about you, but I can’t be your only source of emotional support. Have you considered talking to a counselor or support group?"

c.) "I can’t believe you expect me to drop everything for you! It’s so unfair!" vs.
"I love our family, but I also need to set some personal boundaries to balance my time and commitments."

d.) "You’re always late! You clearly don’t respect me or my time!" vs.
"I’d love to meet with you, but I can only wait for 15 minutes. If you’re running late, let’s reschedule."

e.) "You’re so negative all the time! I can’t stand being around you!" vs.
"I value our relationship, but I need to surround myself with more positivity. If you ever want to talk about solutions instead of just problems, I’d love to listen."

f.) "You never listen to me! I’m done talking to you!" vs.
"I want to have a healthy conversation, but I need to be spoken to with respect. Let’s continue when we can both listen to each other calmly."

4.) Let Go of the Fear of Displeasing Others: Proactive people are NOT people pleasers. 

1. Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” 

5.) Trust God with the Outcome: Whenever people receive the boundary, they might respond negatively; that is not your responsibility to carry.

I pray that this encourages you to live a life of freedom that only God can provide, and not living under the pressure of others opinions or juothers’dgements. You have what it takes to be proactive and live a healthier life!

WWW.ROCKSOLIDFAMILIES.ORG

Peace over Perfection at Christmas Time

As you’re reading this blog, it could be at a time when you are trying to relax, laying in bed, or even when you’re “doom scrolling”/zoning out on your phone to procrastinate on all of the responsibilities that are being thrown at you as you prepare for Christmas. If you relate to this you might be in a position where you are in the weeds of the details and logistics of planning for Christmas. But is this the true meaning of Christmas? If we are blatantly honest with ourselves, the meaning of Christmas isn’t about all of the fluffy extras: gifts, perfect home decor, best outfit, everyone getting along… you see where I’m going with this. It is about reflecting and meditating on the miracle of Jesus coming to us in the flesh in a manger to showcase his love for us. Jesus’ birth fulfilled God’s promise of a Messiah, bringing hope, peace, and joy to a broken world. His arrival marked the beginning of God’s plan to reconcile us to Himself through His life, death, and resurrection! I’m not saying that the fluffy extras are bad, but they should not be what is the driving factor for you in celebrating Christmas.

Let go of perfection:

I recently read a great way to describe the pressure that the world puts on us as we prepare for Christmas; to make everything perfect. However, if we pause and remember why we celebrate Christmas in the first place we are reminded that Jesus entered our imperfect world in a humble stable, not a five-star inn. If your tree is lopsided or the cookies burn, let it be a reminder that God’s grace meets us in our imperfections.

Consider the story of Martha and Mary in Luke 10:38-42. While Martha was distracted by preparations, Mary chose to sit at Jesus' feet and listen to Him. Jesus gently reminded Martha that Mary had chosen what was better. This story teaches us that it’s more important to focus on Christ’s presence than on perfect appearances.

Healthy Boundaries this Christmas:

Christmas is also a time to be intentional about how you spend your time. It’s important to ask yourself, are you able to spend time with God if you are running around to all of the places, possibly out of guilt? Or maybe you find yourself in situations feeling obligated to be there because you do not want to hurt someone’s feelings. Holidays can be a little tricky as so many people are usually involved. However, I want to remind you that at the end of the day, YOU are responsible for your feelings, behaviors, and attitudes, NOT for others. Of course, you should still care for others, BUT you should not sacrifice your boundaries, your peace, and your own time in the midst of caring for others. 

As you navigate the Christmas season, remember that peace isn’t found in perfectly executed plans but in the presence of Christ. By keeping your eyes on Him, you can experience a Christmas filled with peace and joy that only He can provide. Let this be the year you truly embrace this! You are the only one in control of what you say yes and no to!

www.Rocksolidfamilies.org

Peace That Surpasses All Understanding

I think it is easy to say that we have all found ourselves in the midst of a season where we are feeling like we are stuck or just waiting on God to move. Singleness, Infertility, Cancer Diagnosis, and the list can go on and on. 

All of us go about our days carrying something, but what do we do when life gets heavy?

Well I can tell you from personal experience that sitting in it, sulking around, thinking “woe is me”, has not been the best option for me. It never leads me to feel filled with joy from God or even be thankful for what is right in front of me. I’m sure you can relate. It’s often easier to just sit on the couch and google things to hopefully convince you that you will be okay. Even worse, maybe you scroll on your phone through social media to get lost in everyone else’s life so you don’t have to deal with yours. Man, I hate that Satan knows just how to be a thorn in our side. It’s exhausting, but what if we are just not putting our eyes on the right prize or standing in the right posture? When I find myself in these moments, I can promise you one thing.  My posture and my eyes are not set on God and his truth.

Fear, doubt, and shame are not adjectives or emotions that are from God or emotions he wants us to feel. Instead, these are always the emotions I feel when I choose the actions I mentioned above. 

Something that has been so powerful to me lately is just pausing, sitting in quiet without any distractions, and asking God, “Where are you in this room with me?” “What are you trying to tell me right now”. This was a new practice that was introduced to me a few years ago. God wants to meet us where we are at.  He wants us to fall on him.  He wants us to run to him and not our phones or devices. 

Powerful Verses to Meditate on

Philippians 4:4 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

These next verses are so powerful:

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is notable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or see in me - put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 

Growing in Him

You will notice that not once did God say to run to your phone, run to social media, run to google. He said to spend time with HIM.  Learn and grow in HIM. Be in a community with people who are like HIM. We cannot keep living the ways of this world where we take everything into our own hands. The Bible says when we come to know Jesus we must die to ourselves. (Luke 9:24) If this feels too hard to do, then please put boundaries in place. For example, invite some accountability partners into your life or limit your time on social media. I know for me a lot of time social media takes me to an unhealthy place. I literally feel my heart start racing the second I view a reel, and I believe I’m not the only one who feels this way. We have to step back and run to Jesus! We have to choose to THINK about the things that God teaches us instead of what the world is showing us. When we step into this way of thinking, strongholds WILL break. I’ve seen it happen!  Anxiety or Depression does NOT have to define us. Let God do that!

Walking It Out:

• Take the time to memorize the verses in Philippians 4:8-9 and the peace and promises God has for us.

• Make the effort to put some healthy boundaries into place this week to move closer to the life God has planned for you. 

• Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. Memorize 2 Corinthians 10:5. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  It will help you fix your eyes on God and not on your own worries and control.

Put away the distractions of the day. Carve out a few moments and listen to the words of this song, and let the Lord speak to you.  I Speak Jesus by Charity Gayle and Steven Musso

LOOKING FOR A COACH OR NEED SOME GUIDANCE? CALL the ROCK SOLID FAMILIES OFFICE AT 812-576-ROCK (7625) OR VISIT OUR WEBSITE AT WWW.ROCKSOLIDFAMILIES.ORG.

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Do parents have the right to look through their kids phone?

“Do you think my parents should be allowed to snoop through my phone?”

This was a question Linda Hutchinson, Executive Director of Rock Solid Families, overheard at her local swimming pool. Three teenage girls carried on about how parents shouldn’t be allowed to go through their phones and “snoop” into their private lives. One even jokingly said it should be illegal and that they should call the police on their parents.

But the question still remains, do parents have the right to look at their kids’ phones? In short, the answer is yes. Let me explain…

The way of the world has shifted and parents have created an equal level of authority between them and their children. This often is caused by wanting to be the “cool” parents, or because parents don’t want to hurt their children’s feelings. This has led to many kids having free reign when it comes to using digital devices.

There are three questions parents can ask themselves to find the correct answer to the “Do we have the right to look at their phone” question...

1.) Do we, the parents, own the phone / pay the bill?

2.) Does the child live in our home?

3.) Is the child a minor? (Under the age of 18.)

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, then the answer is simple: Yes - you have the right and the responsibility to monitor your child’s digital device, whether its a phone, gaming console, smart TV, or iPad. All of these devices were mentioned because believe it or not, your children have full access to the internet through many devices, not just phones and computers.

Below are four different ways that as parents, you can help guide your family and children down the right path in a digitally crazed world.

1.) Be clear about what digital devices you will allow in your home:

As mentioned, there are many ways that children can access the World Wide Web. iPads, phones, computers, Xbox/PlayStation, and even Google and Alexa devices all grant users full access to the internet, bad content, strangers from around the world and so much more. Limiting devices will help parents better monitor their child’s digital use.

2.) Parents need to be on the same page when it comes to the level of access and freedom when allowing children to use digital devices.

Even if you are divorced, discussing the use and access that children have on digital devices should be done privately before setting the rules with the children. Parents being on the same page eliminates the chance of the child putting you against each other because “well dad said I could …”. (have social media, use this website, play online gaming… etc.) If expectations are clear among the whole house, or even across two households, it creates unity among the parents, the children, and the whole family unit.

Some great resources for helping families set boundaries on digital devices can be found on the Protect Young Eyes website, as well as the Wait Until 8th website.

3.) Enforce the rules you set.

You’ve already established what devices are acceptable, and set up clear boundaries regarding the level of access when your child uses the devices, so now it’s time for parents to be parents and enforce the rules. Let your children know that if expectations and trust are broken, there will be consequences. For example, if they aren’t allowed to have social media, but make an account anyway, maybe the consequence is taking away devices. It may cause an undesirable reaction from your child, but it is important to stick to your rules! If we waiver and don’t enforce the rules, they won’t be taken seriously.

4.) Establish screen free time and tech-free zones.

This will look different for each family, but some examples are no phones at the dinner table, no devices in bedrooms after 8:00 pm, tech-free family movie nights, etc. Parents, this does not only apply to the kids. Lead by example and follow your expectations. If they see you taking it seriously, they are more likely to see the importance of this time as well. Use this to connect with your children without any distractions present.

A great book to read that dives deeper into the dangers of screen time and the benefits of a screen-free world (or at least reduced screen time) is by author Jonathan Haidt, called The Anxious Generation. This book discusses the over-parenting and under-parenting that has led to a whole generation of anxious children, with a lot of research on the impact of screen time.

Parents, no matter where you are in your parenting journey, it is not too late. Step up and be the parents God designed you to be and the parents your kids need you to be. Don’t let them miss out on fun, making memories, learning, connecting, and growing because they are distracted by a screen. It is your responsibility to monitor digital devices that are putting your kids in potential danger. Surround yourself with other parents who align with your rules and expectations - it’s always easier to go through parenthood when you are part of a supportive community.

For more content on the topics of faith, family, fitness, and everything in between, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcast.

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Are you Having an Emotional Affair?: How to Recognize and Prevent Emotional Affairs in Your Marriage.

Often when people think of an affair, they think of something physical. But lurking around every corner is an opportunity for emotional affairs. They seem innocent on the surface, but they can be extremely damaging.

An emotional affair is a close or intimate relationship with someone outside of your marriage. Typically you share your thoughts and emotions with this person, you have common likes/dislikes, or you may tell them about your dreams, secrets, and fantasies. This emotional attachment can quickly turn into something more, as It creates thoughts of, “wow! This person is special or different than my spouse.” You are in it deep when that person starts to take up a lot of your heart and head space.

Jesus warns us about this in the Bible. In Matthew 5:27-28 is says “You have heard that it was said ‘You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

So what are the signs of an emotional affair and what can we do to safeguard our hearts and prevent emotional affairs from affecting our marriages? These guidelines below are for any couple who wants to protect their marriage, not just people who have experienced an affair within their marriage.

Signs of an emotional affair and why they are dangerous:

• Mind shift- This person begins to occupy space in your mind.  Your thoughts, dreams, and even fantasies begin to include them, and its almost always at the expense of excluding your spouse.

• Time Shift- This is when you crave to be around the other person, and you start to change where you spend your time. Often you are wherever the other person is… the gym, work, etc. This leads to prioritizing time with the other person over your spouse.

• Emotional Shift- You crave a deeper connection with the other person and start to care about them more than you do a friend or co-worker. Emotions start to develop and they are fuel to the emotional affair fire, motivating us to spend our time and energy on this person. It is in this shift that emotions get harder and harder to resist.

• Intimacy Shift- You are now desiring to be involved with this person in the deepest parts of your life. Going on adventures together, being in a relationship, and fantasizing of sexual activities.

The shifting process happens quickly, and it is like quicksand. It is a dangerous situation to be in with someone who isn’t your spouse, especially if the other person involved is unaware of your thoughts and feelings towards them. That puts everyone in an awkward position.

How to prevent emotional affairs:

• Stop walking in the denial. See the situation for what it is versus telling yourself “Its not that big of a deal”.

• Don’t be ignorant: Just because you aren’t having feelings or fantasies about someone, doesn’t mean they aren’t taking your relationship the wrong way. You offering a listening ear, or inviting that specific co-worker to lunch could indicate to them that you are interested in pursuing a closer relationship.
  

How to protect yourself and your marriage from emotional affairs:

• Prioritize your spouse: Make regular time for them - whether it’s date nights or meaningful conversations.

• Maintain open communication: Be open and honest in your communication with your spouse. Are you doing a daily check-in to see how they are doing or how their day was? Communication is key and check-ins can make your spouse feel heard, appreciated, and cared for.

• Set healthy boundaries: Establish boundaries with friends, co-workers, and people of the opposite sex. Think of it as putting up a picket fence up around your marriage - no one can get in without going through the gate. Be a good “gatekeeper”! You can also follow the “Billy Graham Rule”, which is something some spouses practice by not allowing themselves to dine, travel, or go out to an event with a person of the opposite sex without their spouse with them. This eliminates the chances for the emotional attachment to grow in an unhealthy way, and it prevents people from talking about you if they see you in public with another man or woman.

• Nurture your marriage: Invest in activities that strengthen your bond with your spouse - feed into each other. This could look like going to the movies, participating in your spouse’s hobbies, dinner out or at home, etc.

• Seek Help: Not from your family and friends, who tend to take sides in situations like this. Seek professional help from someone who can call you out, tell you what you NEED to hear, and help you work through it.

Matthew 19: 4-6 says, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Separation causes wounds, and when a marriage is separated due to an emotional affair, people get hurt.

Our Challenge to you is to give yourself an honest assessment of your thoughts. Where are they at? Who are you thinking about?

To hear more on this topic and to learn more about protecting our marriage from emotional affairs, listen to episode 289 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast.

On this episode, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson of Rock Solid Families dive deeper into the topic of emotional affairs, provide realistic examples of what it may look like in your marriage, and elaborate on how to protect your marriage from the damaging effects.

To hear more content related to family, marriage, and relationships, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcast.

How to Parent Through Excessive Complaining.

In the Bible, Philippians 2: 14-15 says “Do everything without grumbling or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.”

I think most of us have experienced when our child has one of those days where they are quick to grumble or tell us about every ache or pain they are experiencing. When they are telling you about the aches and pains they are experiencing, it is with such emotion that you wonder how they are even living through it. Five minutes later, you hear laughing and playing outside and you see that same child playing with their friends outside having what seems to be a pain-free time.

Parents today often ask, “So, when should I take my child seriously and when should I go tone deaf or even dismissive of their complaints?” Some modern counselors will tell you that you should never dismiss your child’s complaints, rather, you should validate their complaints. However, the proof is out on this one - sometimes our kids need to know their irrational complaints need to be shut down sooner rather than later and that it is okay to say “NO” to your kids. Someday they may even thank you.

In Episode # 283 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda discuss how to navigate a child’s excessive complaining. However, this episode is not just limited to children. This idea of how to deal with complainers respectfully is common in so many places - work, school, church, etc. Rock Solid Families wants to tackle this topic because it primarily relates to the home and is the first training step to helping our children recognize and deal more appropriately with their own complaints.

Chronic complainers we interact with in life are typically people who have practiced the act of complaining for a long time. Somehow they seem to believe they were successful with this strategy in the past and keep doing it. However, as we talk about how to deal with the complaints of our children, we want to first lay out a few disclaimers and understandings:

You must handle their complaints appropriately for the season they are in. Remember the seasons:
(Click each link below to listen to our podcast episodes on the different seasons of parenting.)

Season 1: Service 0 - 2 yrs - Service Years
Season 2: Leadership 3-13 yrs - Leadership Years
Season 3: Mentoring 13-18/21 yrs - Mentorship Years
Bonus season: Friend and Counsel 21+ - Emancipation Years

If you have a child in the first season, 0-2 years of age, you never dismiss their cries. In the second season - Leadership, 3-13 years of age, this is where the training takes place to help your kids learn the language of how to express what the emotions are behind the complaint. Early in this season, you can help them by teaching them the actual words of the emotion - “Are you feeling angry? Sad? Tired?…. DO NOT GET INTO THE HABIT OF BEING THE RESCUE PARENT - THEY ARE NO LONGER IN SEASON 1.

Begin to teach your child how to problem solve by teaching them how to ask better questions. “What can I do about my complaint?” Later in Season 2 about ages 8-13, if you’re child leans towards the chronic complainer side, teach them PERSPECTIVE. This is where they can begin to look at life through other people’s eyes. It is also the initial way of learning of EMPATHY for others.

Hear more about parenting through the excessive complaining by listening to our podcast at the link below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaxk6U4SLRM&t=1459s

http://rocksolidfamilies.org