Bring Out the Best in Your Spouse

Marriage was created by God and it is meant to be a blessing. Some days marriage can be harder than others, but scripture instructs us on how to be the best spouse we can be, even when it is difficult.

Merrill and Linda dive into the books of Ephesians, 1 Corinthians, James, and Matthew to teach us different ways we can bring out the best in our spouse, which ultimately brings out the best in your marriage. If you listen to episode # 284 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, you may even get to hear them banter back and forth about their own marriage experiences as well. ;)

Here are 5 ways you can bring the best out in your spouse:

1.) Recognize you are on the same team and are equal players in this endeavor. Ephesians 5 tells us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband. You are in this marriage together, on one team. Without love and respect, the team can’t collaborate effectively.

2.) 1 Corinthians 12 states just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. You must focus on your spouse's strengths. You have a choice on what you will focus on when it comes to your spouse, and If you choose to focus on their shortcomings and weaknesses, that is all you will see. Praise them for the good they do, for their strengths. After all, what is praised, is repeated!

3.) Effective communication - James 1:19 says everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Merrill and Linda recommend having a conversation with your spouse for at least 10-15 minutes a day. During that check-in you should validate that you are hearing your spouse by acknowledging what they say and do not give advice unless you are asked for it. Instead ask, “How can I help?” or “What do you need from me?” Once that check-in is over, you should be able to walk away with a sense of HOW your spouse is truly doing.

4.) Be your best! Instead of focusing on what your partner is or is not doing, focus on what you can do better to be the best version of yourself, not just for you, but also for your spouse. When focusing on being the best version of yourself, access yourself in the following 3 categories:

- Spiritual Growth - Are you practicing to be more Christ-like?
- Physical Growth - Are you taking care of your body? Are you healthy? Are you fit? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Are you attractive to your spouse?
- Personal Growth - Are you stretching and challenging yourself in your desires and gifts? Practicing a hobby or taking a new class?

5.) Love them the way they want to be Loved, and learn what makes them feel respected and valuable. This is easier when you know your partner’s Love Language. Is it acts of service? Words of affirmation? Getting gifts? If you don’t know your partner’s love language, we highly encourage you to find out.

With Christ as the cornerstone of your relationships, you will have a common and firm foundation. Just like the wise builder in Matthew 7, with a foundation built on Christ, your house will not fall. As you grow in your relationship together, we encourage you to pray together and practice forgiveness and grace, just like God does with the Church.

Listen to the Rock Solid Families Podcast episode on Bringing out the best in your spouse here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=1562s&v=rW8uk5HL02w

Time for Some Marriage Spring Cleaning

Every Spring, I get the bug to do some spring cleaning. I love to open my windows and let the fresh air in. The problem with that is I also have to take the time to wipe away all the cobwebs and bugs that have found a way in between the screens and windows over the cold winter months. There also seems to be a layer of dust and grime that settles on the windowsills too. Please say you have experienced this too. I can’t be the only one?

Well, the spring is also a great time to clean away the dirt and bugs that can “rot” away at our marriage. Some of these things can be like termites that quickly do extreme damage, and other things are more like a slow fade of the relationship. Either way, it’s time for some spring cleaning. 

Transparency is critical in growing a healthy marriage especially if trust has been broken before. Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together. Take the time NOW to get rid of the things that could keep it from growing and being healthy. 

Here are five basics to help with your Marriage Spring Cleaning:

1. Spend at  least 15 minutes a day of uninterrupted time talking to your spouse. Take the time to not just ask them what happened in their day but how they are doing. Intimacy is built when each spouse feels heard and understood. Don’t let bitterness or resentment build up like that grime on my window sill. 

2. Protect your relationship from other outside forces that want to beat against your house and try to steal your time and attention. Whether it be a whiny child, an overworking boss or a flirtatious neighbor, keep your marriage protected and kept it as top priority in your life. 

3. Be a united front when it comes to kids, finances, faith, future, etc. A house divided against itself can not stand. If you come to an impasse on a topic, get some outside help to resolve the problem so the “bugs” of division and bitterness don’t creep in and destroy your relationship. 

4. Think and speak positively about one another whether you’re together or not. Praise and affirm your spouse on a regular basis and you’ll make coming home to you that much more enjoyable.

5. Have fun together. A family that plays together stays together. Life can’t always be serious and hard. Life today can be very stressful, and you want your house to be a house of peace and joy. As the weather gets nicer, spend time outdoors together. Go for a walk. Take the kids to a park. Work on a project together in the yard. 

So there you have it. Five quick things you can do TODAY to spruce up your marriage and get it ready for a season of joy and peace. Of course, there are so many other, but these are just five quick things you can do that can have quite a positive impact on your future relationships.  Again, if these things seem impossible or out of reach for you, get some outside help. There is HOPE for a better tomorrow no matter how much damage or “rot” has occurred in your relationships. Take the time now to get rid of any residual hurt or issue in your marriage, so your relationship has the best chance to grow and bloom into something beautiful this year. 

New Beginnings for Ben and Emily

As we wrap up 2022 and welcome in the new year, we wanted to introduce you to two of our recent clients as they share some reflections from their time at Rock Solid Families and as they begin their new life together as husband and wife. Walking alongside engaged couples like Ben and Emily through our PREPARE premarital program is probably one of the favorite things we do. It’s exciting to meet couples like Ben and Emily who want to invest in their life together and put God as the center of their relationship. 

Even though they had dated for a long time and were looking forward to their October 2022 wedding, Ben and Emily still wanted to build a rock solid foundation as husband and wife. They wanted to learn new tools to grow deeper personally and as a couple. Rock Solid Families is here to help couples do just that. Meet Ben and Emily and hear a little bit more of their story…

1. Tell us a little bit about you two and how you met. Long story short, we met each other when we were kids. We met again later in life through mutual friends in 2013 when we were both 17 years old. 

2. What brought you to Rock Solid Families to start with? We were referred through our friend, David Vaughn. We knew we wanted to have the tools to build a solid marriage. We also wanted to grow personally as individuals and together as a couple. 

3. What were some of the things you learned about marriage, each other, about the importance of faith, etc during PREPARE?  When you have been with one another for so long, you might think that you know everything about the other person. And that may be true, but after diving in we found out more about ourselves individually and how we can best serve each other and God in our marriage. We learned healthy communication habits, how we wanted to work together for our financial goals, and how to keep "dating" each other even when you are married or have been together for as long as we have. The most important thing that we learned is to keep God at the center of our life.  

1. Any surprises about your work in PREPARE? Not any that we couldn't work through or talk openly about. That's the secret to a healthy marriage in our opinion - be honest and open with your partner. Even after being together for so long, there are moments in life that you can't anticipate on our own without some guidance. PREPARE was able to bring these situations to light and allowed us to develop the tools we will need to have later on to continue supporting each other through both good times and bad.

2. Would you recommend Rock Solid Families to others?   Absolutely! We were very blessed to have the opportunity to go through this program. We are also more than happy to chat with couples who may be on the fence! 

3. What would you say to any couple who are wanting to start a life together? Marriage is a team effort! Your team is best when you have support, good communication, honesty, and looking out for the others' best interest. Marriage isn't always easy and neither is life. But if you know that your teammate has your back at the end of the day, it makes the hard days a little bit easier. We would also say to invest in each other. That could mean pre-martial counseling, dating each other, financial planning, praying together, etc. Love is an action word! You have to show it, not just say it.  

4. What are you two looking forward to in 2023?  Spending our first full married year together! We also are on the hunt to become dog parents.  

Breaking Free from Abuse

Hanging on the wall in my office is one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received from a client. We’ll call her Natalie to protect her and her family. Natalie gave me this beautiful hand painted picture a while back of two girlfriends standing side by side to thank me for walking alongside her during some of her darkest days. It’s a gift I will always treasure as a reminder of HOPE and God’s healing power.

Feeling Like There’s No Way Out
I have had the privilege of walking alongside so many women over the past 30 years who like Natalie are dealing with very difficult and sometimes abusive situations. Made to feel worthless and unlovable through their abuser’s power and control over them, these women often stay in very unhealthy relationships thinking there is no other alternative. Most often it’s coming from a spouse, but I’ve also seen this kind of unhealthy abusive relationship with a parent, boyfriend, or even a sibling.

Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes
My goal is to help women see themselves as God sees them instead of only through the lens of their abuser. It’s hard for women coming out of abusive relationships to break free and find their inner voice and identity in Christ. That was true for Natalie. After leaving her abusive husband, this young mom had to be super intentional about surrounding herself with healthy women who would speak the truth in love to her. This was NOT the time for her to jump back into dating again or get emotionally caught up with another man. She had a lot of healing to do. She had to first receive God’s love and find her worth and value through God’s eyes, not another man’s. 

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
It’s important for all of us to learn what healthy relationships look like, but it’s especially important for those in abusive ones. Otherwise, the cycle of abuse continues and is passed down to the next generation. At first, the abuser is usually very charming but persuasive slowly exerting more and more control over their victim. After a while, the abuser may try and isolate their victim convincing them to quit their job or pull away from family and friends. If a victim pushes back, an abuser will often use their kids or other family members against her to make her feel guilty or crazy. This is called “gaslighting”. It's hard for women in abusive relationships to not just “give in” and go back into those unhealthy patterns without any help or healing.  They have spent years, sometimes even decades, under the power and control of their abuser to a point where it becomes “normal” and in a strange way even “comfortable”.  

Creating New Healthy Patterns
It’s hard for both the abuser and victim to understand, but it’s near to impossible for help and healing to occur after abuse while both are under the same roof. Most often, a physical separation and a considerable amount of time is needed for new, healthy patterns to be learned and trusted. Often, the most dangerous point in the relationship is when the woman says she is leaving. Feeling his power and control slipping away, the abuser will often escalate things to dangerous threats and physical violence trying to convince the victim to stay. 

Feeling Safe and Loved Again
Natalie shares, “I was finally able to break free from all those years of not feeling worthy of being loved. I am now able to receive love and see myself the way God sees me. I have learned how to use my voice in a positive, healthy way and surround myself with a circle of healthy people. I have slowly learned how to be vulnerable again with safe people. When I look at the mountain of blessings God has given me since breaking free, it gives me hope for tomorrow. Even when the enemy tries to worm his way in, I have hope because God is fighting my battles for me and he has already won.”

Need to Break Free from Abuse?
If you need help breaking free from an abusive relationship, please reach out. You can contact us at 812-576-ROCK. If we can’t help you directly, we will connect you with someone who can. If you are experiencing physical abuse or feel unsafe in your home, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline immediately at 1-800-799-7233. There is HOPE and HELP available. 

The Insanity of Arguing

It may not be Google’s definition, but it’s the one we use in our house. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Turns out that isn’t just a saying in the Hutchinson house, but a quote by Albert Einstein. I wonder if Einstein has been listening in on some of our families’ conversations?

When Your Buttons Are Pushed
Why do we keep having the same argument over and over again? “I asked you to put those shoes on the shelf a hundred times.” “I can’t take this yelling one more day!”  Why do we let our spouse or that coworker get under our skin over and over again? It’s like they know how to push that ONE button that just sets us off every time. It’s frustrating, exhausting and let’s face it-insane!

The Blue Pants Fight
What if I told you there is a way to get off the crazy train? What if there was a way to avoid the insanity that comes with those arguments you seem to keep having over and over again. Months after our wedding day, Merrill and I had one of the biggest fights we would ever have in our 34+ yrs of marriage. It was all over a pair of men’s royal blue pants that were too good to pass up, and I do mean BRIGHT ROYAL BLUE! Despite Merrill’s repeated NOs, I took it upon myself to purchase the blue pants for him while he was trying on other clothes. Needless to say, the insanity began with yelling some ugly “choice words”, pants throwing, and two very angry “adults” storming out of the store. We left the sales lady hanging and probably wondering, “what was THAT all about?”

Bubbling Underneath The Surface
What WAS that all about? Why the intense reaction from my husband over a blue pair of pants? The truth is we weren’t arguing about pants at all. That argument was really all about control, and it wasn’t the first time it had happened. It wasn’t the first time I had disrespected my husband’s NO and trumped his opinion with my own. It wasn’t the first time my husband felt like I was trying to control him. But as two young newlyweds, we had not yet learned the tools to repair a conflict or resolve an issue before it blew. 

Resolving Conflict God’s Way
So let me save you the embarrassment we felt over 34 years ago, by giving you some very practical tools to implement TODAY with anyone you come into conflict with. 

1. ASSESS-Ask yourself.  Where is this emotion coming from? What’s really underneath this anger or bitterness? Anger is a secondary emotion that warns you of a deeper offense.

2. TIMEOUT-Recognize your emotions and call for a timeout in order to settle your mind and heart. Nothing good happens when we are trying to resolve conflict in the heat of the moment.

3. REVISIT-Ask to revisit the discussion within 24 hours speaking the truth with love, respect, and gentleness. Don’t brush your hurt under the rug. It only gets bigger later. (Thus the Blue Pants!)

4.  APOLOGIZE FIRST-Own your part of the conflict first even if you feel like you were only 5% responsible and they were 95% of the problem. Lead with an apology or a thank you to drop the defenses down of the other person.  Lead with “I” statements instead of pointing fingers and accusing them. Don’t tack your excuse on the back end of your half hearted apology either. It won’t get you anywhere. Insanity begins when you lead with “YOU ALWAYS…or YOU NEVER…”. Instead say something like  “I am sorry I disrespected your NO. I should have listened to what you wanted”. “I am sorry I blew up at you and embarrassed you in the store. That was wrong of me.” OR “You work your butt off for our family. You deserve to pick your own clothes out.”

5. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND-Do more listening than you do talking. Ask follow up questions to make sure you have clarity to what was really going on inside the other person. The Bible says we are to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” James 1:19. Make sure you drill down below the surface and get to the root of the anger and hurt early in the conflict so it doesn’t grow into something ugly.  “I’m hurt because I feel disrespected”.  “So what I hear you say is you are hurt, because you feel like I am trying to control you?”  Stay in the present. One thing at a time. That’s why this is so important, so things don’t build up and then blow up down the road. Don’t drag in past hurts. It only shuts down the other person.

6. ASK- Ask the other person. “How can I help this from happening again?” “What do you need from me?” Be sincere in your request. That’s how you keep the argument from being repeated over and over again. Include the other person in the solution.

7. CHANGE BEHAVIOR-Make an effort to correct the behavior and avoid the insanity from happening again. Be quick to catch yourself before the other person does. If you mess up, own it immediately and apologize for it. 

8. EXTEND GRACE-Be generous with forgiveness and grace.  No one is perfect.  Recognize you both are flawed humans working to resolve conflict God's way. 

Because conflict is a two way street, there is no guarantee that the issue will be forever resolved, but following these steps will give YOU personal and lasting peace. Be faithful to God’s way of resolving conflict and stay away from the insanity of meaningless arguments.  You’ll be so happy you did!

Click HERE to watch Episode 163 of Rock Solid Radio, Insanity - Arguing about the Same Thing, Again!

Click HERE to listen to Episode 163 of Rock Solid Radio, Insanity - Arguing about the Same Thing, Again!

The Secret Weapon to Preventing Divorce

This past weekend we helped lead a marriage enrichment weekend with an amazing group of married couples from our local area. It was so encouraging seeing couples there married more than 40-50 years as well as just a year or two. There were couples representing first marriages, second marriages, blended families, you name it. It was truly a melting pot. We laughed together, prayed together, and grew together. We were encouraged to see so many men and women wanting to strengthen and protect their marriage and family. In our time together, we shared with them the secret weapon to do both.

The Secret Weapon
Do you want peace, power, and protection for your marriage and family? Do you want the secret weapon in preventing divorce with over 99% effectiveness? Then pray together! Yep, that’s right. Less than ONE PERCENT of couples who pray together on a regular basis divorce. I don’t know of any tool that can rival that statistic, but unfortunately not many are tapping into the power.  Family Life surveyed thousands of Christian couples and found a sad and alarming statistic. You’ve probably heard one out of every two marriages end in divorce, but have you heard the statistic isn’t any better for Christian couples? Why is that? Maybe it’s because only 4% of Christian couples actually pray together on a regular basis.

Helping You Get Started
Why don’t more couples pray together? Every couple is different, but here are some suggestions that may help you get started:

1. BE POSITIVE- No throwing your spouse under the bus. Thank God out loud for your partner. Pray blessings and protection over your family. Focus on why you love them and thank God for them. It will fill the heart of your spouse and draw you closer to the Lord and each other.

2. BE BRIEF- Keep it simple and to the point. Make sure whatever routine you begin you can sustain. It’s not the time to show off your big vocabulary and flowery prayers. You want your spouse to feel comfortable with you praying out loud.

3. BE CONSISTENT - Find a daily time that works with you both and stick to it. Consistency is important but so is flexibility. If your schedule gets crazy and you have to mix it up, no worries. There are no rules.

4. BE TRANSPARENT- Don’t be afraid to share your heart with God in front of your spouse. Praying out loud alongside your spouse builds spiritual intimacy and creates a bond that cannot be easily broken. A mealtime prayer is always a great family practice, but it isn’t exactly the best time to build intimacy or transparency. You need time and privacy as a couple not a growling belly worried the food is getting cold.

5. BE PATIENT- Building spiritual intimacy takes time, but it is so worth it. God can do beautiful things with folks who seek Him above all else.

Seeing Into Your Partner’s Heart
So there you have it. My top five suggestions for praying together as a couple. After hearing those startling statistics mentioned above almost 20 years ago, my husband and I began praying together almost every evening before bed.  I’ll admit. It was awkward at first. We were used to praying rote prayers as a family not heartfelt ones out loud privately. As the spiritual leader in our home, my husband goes first and prays for me, our marriage, our family and anything else laying on his heart that day. Then I do the same. Often, we’ll share things in that prayer time we haven’t mentioned all day. It’s like seeing into the heart of my spouse. It’s also hard to harbor negative feelings and unresolved issues when we’re praying together on a regular basis.

So why not grab your spouse and start today? What do you have to lose? It may just be the tie that binds you together and draws you closer to each other and to the Lord.

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecc. 4:12

Click HERE to watch Episode 159 of Rock Solid Radio, Why Should I Pray?

Click HERE to listen to Episode 159 of Rock Solid Radio, Why Should I Pray?

Stop the Nagging!

It has been said that nagging can be as harmful to marriage as adultery. If none of us likes to be nagged, why does it continue to happen?   Wouldn’t the whole family just be happier if all the nagging went away?  The simple answer is, YES!  

Feeling Invisible
So where do we begin?   In a nutshell, nagging comes from when we try to control what we see as important in our lives.  This need for control can be rooted in fear, insecurity, anger, mistrust…you name it. The person nagging may feel dismissed, invisible or misunderstood, but the way they go about resolving the problem isn’t very effective. It’s like using a sledge hammer for a project that needs a screwdriver. Instead of solving the problem, nagging tends to do more harm than good and can damage a relationship beyond repair.

Relationship Tools
So how do we stop the nagging and bring peace back to the marriage? Well, we need some different tools in our tool box. The first is the tool of Active Listening  That means we’re not just talking about the events of the day, but rather talking about how others are doing or feeling through the course of the day.  Through active listening we learn to physically observe and notice how are partner is doing.  Not just by the words they say, but how they say it. Do they seem tired, agitated, angry or frustrated?  If so, it is a great time to give them a little first aid by showing them that you notice their mood and then offer to help.  In order to do this we must implement the tool of Empathy. In other words, try imagining how it would feel to “walk a mile in their shoes”?   We do this not to feel sorry for them, but to try and understand why they may be feeling what they are feeling. Using these two tools help us to move toward fulfilling our wedding vows of for better or for worse.

Time to Step Back
Whether you are nagging or being nagged, it is important to use the tool of Emotional Awareness.  This simply means to take a step back and recognize your emotions before others recognize them for you.  If you are yelling and screaming and don’t have an understanding of your emotional state, you are likely to say and do things you regret.  Take some time today to practice reading your emotions and the people around you.  When you recognize a heightened negative emotional state in yourself or someone else, step back, take a break and allow the emotions to calm down.  This is the tool of Time Out

No More Under the Rug
One tool that we recommend is the Tool of Assertiveness. Many times the nagging is taking place because one or both partners from the very beginning did not “mean what they say and say what they mean”. They’ve maybe brushed things under the rug or made assumptions.  For example, if your partner is telling you they want to play golf next weekend and you agree to it, then you are best to stick with your agreement.  On the other hand, if you see the outing conflicting with the family’s schedule, then you need to be honest up front with your spouse and work together for a compromise or solution. Be assertive with your thoughts and words in a loving and respectful way, and you will have no reason to nag. 

When We Blow It
Let’s face it, sometimes we just blow it! Our emotions get the best of us and as we feel overwhelmed we say and do things that aren’t always helpful.  When this happens (and it will), the most powerful tool we have in our toolbox is the tool of Apology. Yes, I said it, APOLOGY! Holding back the apology fans the flame of anger and stress in the marriage and creates a greater disconnect as a couple.  The faster we learn to authentically apologize for our negative attitude, words, or nagging, the faster we will bring peace back to the relationship. Even if we feel like we are only 5% in the wrong, apologize for that 5%. Don’t let your self-righteousness and insecurity keep you from dropping your defenses and healing the wound before it destroys your marriage.

Click HERE to watch the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging\

Click HERE to listen the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging

Instant Gratification and Money - Are you sure you “WANT IT NOW”?

Money! Money! Money! “It seems like all we do is argue about MONEY!”  Is this the case in your marriage?  If so, you’re not alone.  When considering the top subjects that couples argue about, money usually makes the top 5 list.  Why is this the case when we live in such a wealthy country?  It turns out, it is not about the money, but about what money represents to people.  A big stack of money in and of itself is just a stack of paper.  But, when you realize what that stack of paper has the power to do, now that’s a different story. 

Money is linked to so many different but powerful emotions.  To many, money may mean security. To others, it may represent freedom and enjoyment. For some, money is a symbol of status or power. Therefore, a lack of money or lack of control over money can create the opposite feelings of fear, punishment, bondage, stress, and powerlessness.  These different emotions and meanings of money is where the conflict and stress can occur.

As human beings, our bodies and minds are drawn toward pleasure. We tend to avoid painful or stressful situations. Many of us have used money as a way of providing pleasure and avoiding pain.    The desire to have a good feeling in the moment is incredibly powerful.  “I WANT IT NOW!”  Instant gratification is real and powerful. How many of us have ever bought something we knew we didn’t need or couldn’t afford, because it felt good in the moment? I can’t be the only one. However, it doesn’t take long to realize that in life, all things come at a price.  The question is whether we are seeking long term satisfaction or instant gratification.  You may be able to have it now, but at what expense? What are you willing to sacrifice?  What level of pain will you receive?  What is the long term and short term cost vs reward?  These are all the questions that mature individuals need to start asking themselves.  

Since we know that so many couples argue about money, then it is likely that they do not agree on money’s cost vs reward.   Financial expert, Dave Ramsey, has developed an entire business and process to help you put this argument to rest. He has given millions of families a new process and way of thinking to help them better understand money and how to use it.  Below is a list of Ramsey’s financial baby steps. Implementing these steps as a couple can greatly reduce the stress and money differences in your marriage.  Also, listen to our recent Rock Solid Radio show in which Merrill and special guest Zac Strobl tackle the subject of money and give excellent useful tools to bring peace to your marriage. Click the links below for more.

DAVE RAMSEY’S SEVEN BABY STEPS

1. Baby Step 1: Save $1,000 for Your Starter Emergency Fund.

2. Baby Step 2: Pay Off All Debt. (Except the House) Using the Debt Snowball.

3. Baby Step 3: Save 3–6 Months of Expenses in a Fully Funded Emergency Fund

4. Baby Step 4: Invest 15% of Your Income for Retirement

5. Baby Step 5: Save for Your Children’s College Education

6. Baby Step 6: Pay Off Your Home Early.

7. Baby Step 7: Build Wealth and Give.

 To WATCH the full episode of Rock Solid Radio click HERE

To LISTEN to the full episode of Rock Solid Radio click HERE

For more information on getting your finances under control check out: https://www.ramseysolutions.com/

Blissful Ignorance - Story of Dale and Marie

When I first met with Dale and Marie for their premarital counseling a few years ago, they were like most young, engaged couples planning their wedding... so in love and so ready to get this over with. The premarital counseling that is, so they could get to the “good stuff”. During our premarital sessions, we spent time learning important communication and conflict resolution tools. We talked about taking the time to build a marriage on a firm foundation and the storms that may come after they say “ I do”. You know storms like infertility and infidelity. Things that can punch you in the gut and take your breath away like cancer or COVID.   Back then, neither one really thought they needed to worry about storms. After all, they were in love. That was until their marriage hit an iceberg at the end of last year and started to sink. 

Not Good
Both admit things had not been good for the past 18 months since their little one was born.  They would have petty fights that were never resolved - just brushed under the rug. Marie was distracted by her new role as a young new mom while Dale started to look elsewhere for some time and attention. That’s what Marie saw growing up. Conflict was never shown in her home, just minimized and ignored until her dad was caught in a 10 yr affair and her parents’ marriage ended after more than 25 years. So when Marie caught Dale in a 9 month affair just a couple years into their marriage, she braced for the worst. 

Painful Tears
It didn’t come easy nor without a lot of painful tears, but I’m thankful to report Dale and Marie are still together and stronger than they’ve ever been before. There was no quick fix for the pain, but both were patient and trusted God to do something new in their marriage. Dale and Marie now realize that their thinking before they got married was no more than “blissful ignorance”. Quickly after they said “I do”, they got distracted by the busyness of being new working parents and let their guard down. They got impatient with each other and stopped working on the most important relationships in their life - their relationship with Christ and their marriage. We’re no good to our kids when those two things are not our top priorities. 

Rebuilding Trust
After being confronted with the affair, Dale completely owned his unfaithfulness to Marie and took the necessary steps to regain her trust again. He was transparent and patient with her as different triggers brought her past back into the present. Dale and Marie have done the hard work to rebuild trust and they now have safeguards in their marriage to prioritize and protect it. When I asked Dale and Marie what has now made the biggest difference in their marriage, these are the safeguards they wanted to share:

Marriage Safeguards

1. Seek professional help BEFORE you turn to someone or something else. Don’t do what Dale did. Get help sooner. There is HOPE and HELP available. Don’t let money be the reason why you don’t seek help sooner. Rock Solid Families is a ministry first. They will never turn anyone away due to someone’s inability to pay. 

2. Involve God in your relationship and your healing. His word teaches us how to forgive and trust again. Worship and pray together. That has made an eternal difference for Dale and Marie.

3. Take a timeout when things get heated, but make sure conflict gets resolved. Dale and Marie now understand the importance of resolving conflict and NOT letting things get brushed under the rug. 

4. Go to bed together if at all possible. If you are always too busy or too tired to sleep in the same bed at the same time, that’s a red flag of a deeper issue.

5. Billy Graham Rule. Protect your marriage from any outside temptation. Don’t drive, dine or have personal private conversations with someone of the opposite sex. This safeguard would have saved Dale and Marie a lot of heartache. 

Stronger Than Ever
In our last session together, Dale and Marie were giddy sitting in my office holding hands talking about the new memories they were excited to create as a family. I am so proud of them and how hard they both worked to rebuild trust in their relationship. No more blissful ignorance for Dale and Marie. They now see the importance of having safeguards and intentionally protecting their marriage from the storms of life. They give God all the glory for where their marriage is today and thank Him for how he used one of the most painful experiences in their life to make them stronger than ever before.