Are You An Insecure Parent?

Recently, a divorced mom came to see me wanting help with the relationship with her adult children. The more we talked, the more she began to realize just how insecure and anxious she was as a parent raising her children as a single mom.  She lived in a constant state of anxious “what ifs”.  She also struggled with guilt from the divorce and not being “good enough” as a parent.

After our first session, I gave her some homework and asked her to begin reading the New York Times Best selling book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. At our next meeting, she shared with me how one line in the book stopped her in her tracks and opened her eyes. She even sent the quote to her adult daughter and asked her…”is this how I made you feel growing up”? This is what she read in that book that was so impactful for her… “To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.”― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

Does that quote describe you?   Are you parenting out of fear and insecurity rescuing your son or daughter from the natural consequences of their behavior?  I have to admit for a long time that was me too. It was my own insecurities and fear that drove many of my decisions as a parent. Thankfully, I am married to an adventurer and risk taker, who helped me see exactly what Dr. Henry Cloud was talking about in his book, Boundaries. I didn’t want to hold my children back from being all that God had designed them to be. 

Here are our Five Insecurity Busters that I learned the hard way in becoming a healthy, secure parent. I hope these five tools help empower you and your children to be all that God created them to be. 

1. IDENTIFY your own fears AND how they influence your parenting decisions. What in your background or past are you running or hiding from? What happened to you that you have never healed from or dealt with that you are now trying to protect your children from? We can’t heal from something we don’t acknowledge. If you don’t know where to start, seek wise biblical counsel to help you see past your blinders. 

2. EQUIP your Children for Difficult Times. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage,  “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach him how to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” Let’s face it, your children  will have difficult times. Don’t try and save them from difficult things. You leave them ill equipped and unprepared to face difficulties.  In other words, you render them powerless.

3. TEACH your kids how TO  assess “Risk vs Reward” when making any decision and then let them reap the reward or consequences of those decisions. Remember what Dr. Henry Cloud said in the book Boundaries, we don’t want to rescue our children from the natural consequences of their decisions. Help them learn this now while they are still under your roof.

4. ENCOURAGE your kids to build up their resilience muscles.  When they get knocked down, encourage them to get back up. Acknowledge and have empathy for their pain, but don’t protect them from failure or hurt. 

5. MODEL a dependency on God for your strength, comfort, and direction. A healthy dependence and trust in God is the greatest insecurity buster ever. Knowing God is bigger than anything they may face in life is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give your children. Teach them to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”  Matthew 6:33.

We all struggle at times with our own insecurities, but as parents, we must try NOT to pass them along to our children. They will have enough natural ones on their own as they grow and mature.  If we truly want to help the next generation we must give them the tools they need to handle the challenges of life rather than hide and shelter them from them.

Reasonable risks and adventures are healthy and necessary for your child to grow to their greatest potential. Again, let’s stop handicapping our kids out of our own fears and limitations. Let’s teach and equip our children  how to overcome the challenges they will inevitably face in life and set them up for great success. 

God has NOT given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

For more information on Insecure Parenting, check out Episode 232 of Rock Solid Radio that airs April 17, 2023 or click HERE for more good stuff on Faith, Family and Personal Wellness.

Going Downhill Fast

Growing up, you would typically find my best friend, Nica, and I hanging out with the neighborhood gang bicycling around our subdivision. We thought it was fun riding around trading bikes back and forth, but in the spring of my fourth grade year, it turned out to be anything but fun. It was the first warm day of spring, and we had both decided it would be a good day to break the bikes out for a test drive. We were on each other’s bikes heading down a nearby hill when Nica yelled, “by the way, my brakes don’t work!” Did she really just say what I think she said? I began to panic, as we picked up speed heading down Miami Avenue and straight for my grandma’s house. What came after that was all a blur. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital laying flat on a gurney. Apparently, bikes and brick walls don’t go well together. 

I have long forgiven Nica for the defective bike and concussion, but I still haven’t forgotten the intense fear from that warm spring day. Even after forty plus years, I STILL get nervous when going downhill fast. I know, I should be over that fear by now, but if I’m not careful, I still find myself getting anxious about going skiing or riding a bike. 

How about you? Do you have anxieties or fears that keep you from living your best life? Maybe something that you can link all the way back to your childhood? I know I’m not the only one. Most of us have some kind of fear or phobia that can make us think twice. That’s pretty natural, but we can’t ignore the effect the past two to three years has had on the state of our mental health. COVID has accelerated the decline in an already sad and anxious world. Pardon the pun, but you might even say we are going downhill fast!  But even before COVID, we were seeing a rise in anxiety and depression.  Check out the top three culprits that contribute to the decline of our mental health.

1. Lack of Sleep

2. Poor eating

3. Lack of Exercise

So what’s going on? Why are these big three having such a drastic effect on our mental health? Hmm! Any guesses? You guessed it- SCREEN TIME. No surprise that research has found a direct correlation between screen time and anxiety/depression especially in children’s developing minds. According to a 2021 study, San Diego State University psychologist Jean Twenge and University of Georgia psychology professor W. Keith Campbell write, “too much time spent on gaming, smartphones and watching television is linked to heightened levels and diagnoses of anxiety or depression in children as young as age two”, according to their new study.

They report, “Even after only one hour of screen time daily, children and teens may begin to have less curiosity, lower self-control, less emotional stability and a greater inability to finish tasks.” 

“Twenge and Campbell found that adolescents who spend more than seven hours a day on screens were twice as likely as those spending one hour to have been diagnosed with anxiety or depression – a significant finding.”

So, mom and dad, we need you! We need you to step up and be the parent. It’s time we take a stand and fight back against what the world says is cool and ok for our kids. No, your children won’t like it when you delay the smartphone or turn off the tablet, but that’s ok. They’re kids. No different than when you tell them they can’t have candy for dinner. They don’t want to hear the word “NO”, but they desperately need healthy limits. They need someone in their life that models what healthy looks like.  Please mom and dad, give your child a chance to experience the peace and joy that comes with healthy habits and a healthy mind.  It’s time we stop letting the world define what our kids should or should not have or do. Let’s try and stop this runaway train before it hits the wall. Our kids desperately need our help because the research is alarming. The state of their mental health is going downhill way too fast!

Click HERE for a FREE DOWNLOAD on Recognizing Anxiety and Depression in our Kids and the steps to help them.

My Journey with Anxiety and Depression

DISCLAIMER

“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open to you.”

— Matthew 7:7

I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist so I’m not in the business of diagnosing others with mental illnesses.  This is my own personal journey with anxiety and depression. My prayer is that something I’ve learned or experienced during the darkest period of my life can help someone else. My hope is to shine a light into what I experienced and bring comfort and help to you or someone you love.

HISTORY

Early in our marriage, I began having panic attacks.  At the time, I had no idea what they were. A heart attack? Stress symptoms and hypertension? Some kind of brain tumor?  I just knew something wasn’t right. I even landed in the emergency room on a couple of occasions. After daily struggles for over a year with no clear answers, my last panic attack left me talking with my doctor in a desperate tone of “I can’t live this way anymore”!

A year after my first panic attack, I finally began to get the help and counsel I needed.  I became educated on anxiety and depression, mental illnesses, medications, support groups, and therapy. In my role as a school counselor, I had a significant amount of education to help others, but I wasn’t sure how to help myself.

“In my role as a school counselor, I had a significant amount of education to help others, but I wasn’t sure how to help myself.”

— Merrill Hutchinson

Now, I was on a medically monitored path to mental health. I began to feel like my old self. I began to regain my energy and focus. I began running and exercising again. I started to hang out with family and friends again and stopped avoiding social situations.  The most life-changing thing I did during this difficult season was surrender my life to Christ. I had heard that phrase "surrender my life" many times, but it now hit home for me personally. The fight against this illness was one that I was losing. The more I tried, the more I failed. It was not until I dropped to my knees and said, “Lord, I need you” that I experienced true freedom!  The battle was no longer just mine. I now felt like I had the Navy SEALS dropping in to aid me in my battle.

The journey to strong mental health has been life long.  I have actively treated and lived with anxiety and depression for over 27 years.  Here are a few of my takeaways that I would like to share with others in the hopes that they may get help or be able to help someone else with a similar story.

LESSONS I LEARNED

• Anxiety and depression are normal feelings and experiences of the human condition, but how do you know when your level of anxiety or depression is beyond the normal range?  There are many screeners available that you can take online. While these screeners may not be medically supervised, they can begin to point you in the right direction.  If you score in the “at risk” or “high” range, it probably just confirms what you already suspected. An “at risk” score may prompt you to visit your doctor or begin sharing your concerns with someone else. A close friend or spouse can be a great sounding board or listening ear, but they are obviously no substitute for a medical professional.

• Anxiety and depression can be situation-based, hereditary, or a combination of the two.  As I look back on my anxiety, I see that mine was a combination of the two. I can see a very clear path of situational anxiety dating back into my childhood.  At the time, I didn’t understand what a normal level of anxiety was, so I just thought my feelings were normal. Extreme anxiety before sporting events, getting sick the first couple of days of school, nausea and diarrhea when the spotlight was on me, avoidance of social situations or being around lots of people, etc. Outside of these times, my life seemed very normal.  For this reason, most people around me did not really see me struggling. Only close family knew how anxious I would get. By the time I was in high school, I was pretty good at keeping my anxiety at bay. I knew how to avoid the situations and conflicts that were most likely to cause me the greatest amount of trouble.

By the time I was in my late twenties, something changed. I could no longer predict the situations that would prompt my anxiety and now even some depression. I began to struggle with feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, dread, and avoidance. I had a loss of focus, energy, and even physical strength and body temperature. I was feeling cold even when everyone else was not. Now, it seemed, my anxiety was taking on a different level.  I was experiencing anxious symptoms in times when I logically could not think of why I should be anxious.  One of the things that became very noticeable to me was frequently waking up in the middle of the night in either a full sweat or even to the point of vomiting.   I went to bed feeling okay, but something would trigger a full blown anxiety storm, while I was in the middle of sleep. Not a good way to wake up! Yes, many situations would still trigger my anxiety, but frequently I could not tell you what prompted my symptoms.  In hindsight, this was a warning sign that I wished I would have had help understanding earlier than I did.

“Whether it’s therapy, faith, medicine, or a combination of the three, you do have options.”

— Merrill Hutchinson

• Anxiety and depression do not have to completely wreck your life and turn you into a social recluse.  In the midst of my worst days, I began to think this was the way life was going to be from now on. That thinking created a negative feedback loop in the sense that my bad anxiety produced symptoms that then produced more anxiety, which then lead to more symptoms, and so on.  The idea that this may never stop can be frightening and even paralyzing. Once I began to learn and even experience relief from these symptoms, hope began to grow back into my life. The strength to confront a phobia, the energy to participate in an activity that I once enjoyed, the sense of pleasure and laughing, and the desire to see familiar friends and family all reemerged. These are all very possible goals, and I encourage others to not lose sight of getting these things back into your life. Whether it’s therapy, faith, medicine, or some combination of the three, you do have options.  

• Do not deny your genetics.  As I began to accept that I may have a mental illness. I started to examine my family history.  It did not take long for me to realize that my mom’s side of the family was riddled with anxiety.  My mom was challenged with it on a daily basis. My grandma was very anxious and her sister also was anxious to the point of seldom leaving her house.  My uncle was in and out of jobs and simply could not handle the stress of daily work. Here is my point. Anxiety and depression that goes beyond “normal” is often hereditary.  It is common to trace mental illness throughout a family tree. If you notice this, then please do not deny it. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression and have a family history of it, then there is a good chance that you may have a biological rather than just a situational component to your condition.

• My last take away is just a word of encouragement.  Part of my upbringing included parents that always encouraged my siblings and I to take risk, go after your dreams, never be afraid of making mistakes, and be quick to learn from the mistakes you make.  I want to encourage the same to all of you. You have a choice to make concerning how you will handle all of the stresses in your life. You can either beat yourself up and fall victim to the situation, or you can see it as an opportunity for learning and growth. You most likely will not find a quick fix, but you may find comfort in small victories.  Allow those small victories to be celebrated and used as motivation to continue on to better mental health. Reach out to someone today for help. Do not throw in the towel! There is HOPE! 

“Reach out to someone today for help. Do not throw in the towel! There is HOPE!”

— Merrill Hutchinson