Are you Having an Emotional Affair?: How to Recognize and Prevent Emotional Affairs in Your Marriage.

Often when people think of an affair, they think of something physical. But lurking around every corner is an opportunity for emotional affairs. They seem innocent on the surface, but they can be extremely damaging.

An emotional affair is a close or intimate relationship with someone outside of your marriage. Typically you share your thoughts and emotions with this person, you have common likes/dislikes, or you may tell them about your dreams, secrets, and fantasies. This emotional attachment can quickly turn into something more, as It creates thoughts of, “wow! This person is special or different than my spouse.” You are in it deep when that person starts to take up a lot of your heart and head space.

Jesus warns us about this in the Bible. In Matthew 5:27-28 is says “You have heard that it was said ‘You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

So what are the signs of an emotional affair and what can we do to safeguard our hearts and prevent emotional affairs from affecting our marriages? These guidelines below are for any couple who wants to protect their marriage, not just people who have experienced an affair within their marriage.

Signs of an emotional affair and why they are dangerous:

• Mind shift- This person begins to occupy space in your mind.  Your thoughts, dreams, and even fantasies begin to include them, and its almost always at the expense of excluding your spouse.

• Time Shift- This is when you crave to be around the other person, and you start to change where you spend your time. Often you are wherever the other person is… the gym, work, etc. This leads to prioritizing time with the other person over your spouse.

• Emotional Shift- You crave a deeper connection with the other person and start to care about them more than you do a friend or co-worker. Emotions start to develop and they are fuel to the emotional affair fire, motivating us to spend our time and energy on this person. It is in this shift that emotions get harder and harder to resist.

• Intimacy Shift- You are now desiring to be involved with this person in the deepest parts of your life. Going on adventures together, being in a relationship, and fantasizing of sexual activities.

The shifting process happens quickly, and it is like quicksand. It is a dangerous situation to be in with someone who isn’t your spouse, especially if the other person involved is unaware of your thoughts and feelings towards them. That puts everyone in an awkward position.

How to prevent emotional affairs:

• Stop walking in the denial. See the situation for what it is versus telling yourself “Its not that big of a deal”.

• Don’t be ignorant: Just because you aren’t having feelings or fantasies about someone, doesn’t mean they aren’t taking your relationship the wrong way. You offering a listening ear, or inviting that specific co-worker to lunch could indicate to them that you are interested in pursuing a closer relationship.
  

How to protect yourself and your marriage from emotional affairs:

• Prioritize your spouse: Make regular time for them - whether it’s date nights or meaningful conversations.

• Maintain open communication: Be open and honest in your communication with your spouse. Are you doing a daily check-in to see how they are doing or how their day was? Communication is key and check-ins can make your spouse feel heard, appreciated, and cared for.

• Set healthy boundaries: Establish boundaries with friends, co-workers, and people of the opposite sex. Think of it as putting up a picket fence up around your marriage - no one can get in without going through the gate. Be a good “gatekeeper”! You can also follow the “Billy Graham Rule”, which is something some spouses practice by not allowing themselves to dine, travel, or go out to an event with a person of the opposite sex without their spouse with them. This eliminates the chances for the emotional attachment to grow in an unhealthy way, and it prevents people from talking about you if they see you in public with another man or woman.

• Nurture your marriage: Invest in activities that strengthen your bond with your spouse - feed into each other. This could look like going to the movies, participating in your spouse’s hobbies, dinner out or at home, etc.

• Seek Help: Not from your family and friends, who tend to take sides in situations like this. Seek professional help from someone who can call you out, tell you what you NEED to hear, and help you work through it.

Matthew 19: 4-6 says, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Separation causes wounds, and when a marriage is separated due to an emotional affair, people get hurt.

Our Challenge to you is to give yourself an honest assessment of your thoughts. Where are they at? Who are you thinking about?

To hear more on this topic and to learn more about protecting our marriage from emotional affairs, listen to episode 289 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast.

On this episode, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson of Rock Solid Families dive deeper into the topic of emotional affairs, provide realistic examples of what it may look like in your marriage, and elaborate on how to protect your marriage from the damaging effects.

To hear more content related to family, marriage, and relationships, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcast.

Are We Bringing People to Christ or Driving Them Away?

Have you ever been turned off by someone's hard-driving fire and brimstone evangelism? It typically comes with great fervor and good intention, but the delivery leaves a lot to be desired.

We are currently living in a time when church participation is dropping and people are making their own “gods” to fulfill their needs. When asked about following Jesus or being Christian they make statements like, "I tried it once and it's not for me.” but If we dig down a little deeper, we often find that people had a bad experience within a church, or with "church" people, and they turn the other way for answers.

In The Great Commission, Jesus tells us to go and make disciples of all nations. Yes, we are to bring people to Christ, but as Christians, why are we finding ourselves driving so many people away?

The answer often comes down to the delivery of the content. When we greet non-believers and assume they already know the way of Christ, and that they are willing to jump right onto the path, we are ignorant of their readiness to make such a leap (or life change).

In bringing people to Christ, we often come across as Pharisees who are moving at one speed. We think everyone else should be keeping up with us and when they don't, we often get impatient and begin to act with contempt in our hearts and think things like, “Why can they be more like me?” or “Why aren’t they as passionate about this as I am?”

In episode 286 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda discuss how to approach people as Christ himself demonstrated time and time again - with gentleness, kindness, and respect. He met people where they were and encouraged them to move to someplace better. He helped quench their thirst with the "well of living water". This is a thirst that all of us have…. It’s the desire to quench our understanding of our purpose and how it fits into the universe.

If we truly want to bring people to Christ, we must not get trapped in our own pharisaical, self-righteous delivery of the greatest message concerning the greatest man that ever lived. We must learn to meet people where they are and move them to a better place with gentleness and respect.

So as Christians, how do we love people where they are at?
Merrill and Linda give us a few tips to help guide us:

• Hate the sin, not the sinner:

  1. We are not meant to cast people out or identify them by their sin. (Mark 2: 16-17) We are all much more and much bigger than the sins we commit.

• Base your decision-making on God's word.

  • Try to leave your opinion out of it. This one could be difficult if you are trying to teach the word of God to a non-believer. But this is where the gentleness and love come into play…. Don’t be condemning or judgmental.

• Wrap yourself in the definition of “Agape Love”.

  •   Agape love is God's love. It is unwavering, it is of God and From God, whose very nature is Love. You can wrap yourself in agape love by showing that you care and by putting others first. Remember, you don’t need to “like” someone to show agape love.

• Know the difference between acceptance and agreement.

  • People tend to think that if we don’t accept them, we reject them. But that simply isn’t the case. Accepting is that you understand where they are in life, and you comprehend what they are doing and what they have going on.

The Bible may contain the words, but we are to deliver the message. It is our responsibility to spread the good news and grow God’s kingdom for His glory! If you need encouragement or further instruction on how to deliver God’s word with love and gentleness, we encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 13: 4- 8.

For more content like this, check out our Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube!

www.rocksolidfamilies.org

Bring Out the Best in Your Spouse

Marriage was created by God and it is meant to be a blessing. Some days marriage can be harder than others, but scripture instructs us on how to be the best spouse we can be, even when it is difficult.

Merrill and Linda dive into the books of Ephesians, 1 Corinthians, James, and Matthew to teach us different ways we can bring out the best in our spouse, which ultimately brings out the best in your marriage. If you listen to episode # 284 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, you may even get to hear them banter back and forth about their own marriage experiences as well. ;)

Here are 6 ways you can bring the best out in your spouse:

1.) Recognize you are on the same team and are equal players in this endeavor. Ephesians 5 tells us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband. You are in this marriage together, on one team. Without love and respect, the team can’t collaborate effectively.

2.) 1 Corinthians 12 states just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. You must focus on your spouse's strengths. You have a choice on what you will focus on when it comes to your spouse, and If you choose to focus on their shortcomings and weaknesses, that is all you will see. Praise them for the good they do, for their strengths. After all, what is praised, is repeated!

3.) Effective communication - James 1:19 says everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Merrill and Linda recommend having a conversation with your spouse for at least 10-15 minutes a day. During that check-in you should validate that you are hearing your spouse by acknowledging what they say and do not give advice unless you are asked for it. Instead ask, “How can I help?” or “What do you need from me?” Once that check-in is over, you should be able to walk away with a sense of HOW your spouse is truly doing.

4.) Be your best! Instead of focusing on what your partner is or is not doing, focus on what you can do better to be the best version of yourself, not just for you, but also for your spouse. When focusing on being the best version of yourself, access yourself in the following 3 categories:

- Spiritual Growth - Are you practicing to be more Christ-like?
- Physical Growth - Are you taking care of your body? Are you healthy? Are you fit? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Are you attractive to your spouse?
- Personal Growth - Are you stretching and challenging yourself in your desires and gifts? Practicing a hobby or taking a new class?

5.) Love them the way they want to be Loved, and learn what makes them feel respected and valuable. This is easier when you know your partner’s Love Language. Is it acts of service? Words of affirmation? Getting gifts? If you don’t know your partner’s love language, we highly encourage you to find out.

6.) Build your life and your relationships on something that is ROCK SOLID. Without a firm foundation that is solid or unshakable, you run the risk of things falling apart pretty quickly. You tend to look out for #1 and focus inward on yourself.  It’s like building your life on sinking sand. The first wave hits and suddenly things are washed away. What are the values you are building your marriage and family on? Is it a strong Christian faith? Even if you are not a person of faith or a church-goer, we still challenge you to give it a try. Start building your life and relationships on something solid like integrity, honesty, faithfulness, kindness, dependability, good work ethic, etc. It not only will bring out the best in your spouse, but yourself as well.

With Christ as the cornerstone of your relationships, you will have a common and firm foundation. Just like the wise builder in Matthew 7, with a foundation built on Christ, your house will not fall. As you grow in your relationship together, we encourage you to pray together and practice forgiveness and grace, just like God does with the Church.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH the Rock Solid Families Podcast episode on Bringing out the best in your spouse here.

Subscribe to our podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcast to hear more episodes on faith, family and fitness.

How to Parent Through Excessive Complaining.

In the Bible, Philippians 2: 14-15 says “Do everything without grumbling or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.”

I think most of us have experienced when our child has one of those days where they are quick to grumble or tell us about every ache or pain they are experiencing. When they are telling you about the aches and pains they are experiencing, it is with such emotion that you wonder how they are even living through it. Five minutes later, you hear laughing and playing outside and you see that same child playing with their friends outside having what seems to be a pain-free time.

Parents today often ask, “So, when should I take my child seriously and when should I go tone deaf or even dismissive of their complaints?” Some modern counselors will tell you that you should never dismiss your child’s complaints, rather, you should validate their complaints. However, the proof is out on this one - sometimes our kids need to know their irrational complaints need to be shut down sooner rather than later and that it is okay to say “NO” to your kids. Someday they may even thank you.

In Episode # 283 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda discuss how to navigate a child’s excessive complaining. However, this episode is not just limited to children. This idea of how to deal with complainers respectfully is common in so many places - work, school, church, etc. Rock Solid Families wants to tackle this topic because it primarily relates to the home and is the first training step to helping our children recognize and deal more appropriately with their own complaints.

Chronic complainers we interact with in life are typically people who have practiced the act of complaining for a long time. Somehow they seem to believe they were successful with this strategy in the past and keep doing it. However, as we talk about how to deal with the complaints of our children, we want to first lay out a few disclaimers and understandings:

You must handle their complaints appropriately for the season they are in. Remember the seasons:
(Click each link below to listen to our podcast episodes on the different seasons of parenting.)

Season 1: Service 0 - 2 yrs - Service Years
Season 2: Leadership 3-13 yrs - Leadership Years
Season 3: Mentoring 13-18/21 yrs - Mentorship Years
Bonus season: Friend and Counsel 21+ - Emancipation Years

If you have a child in the first season, 0-2 years of age, you never dismiss their cries. In the second season - Leadership, 3-13 years of age, this is where the training takes place to help your kids learn the language of how to express what the emotions are behind the complaint. Early in this season, you can help them by teaching them the actual words of the emotion - “Are you feeling angry? Sad? Tired?…. DO NOT GET INTO THE HABIT OF BEING THE RESCUE PARENT - THEY ARE NO LONGER IN SEASON 1.

Begin to teach your child how to problem solve by teaching them how to ask better questions. “What can I do about my complaint?” Later in Season 2 about ages 8-13, if you’re child leans towards the chronic complainer side, teach them PERSPECTIVE. This is where they can begin to look at life through other people’s eyes. It is also the initial way of learning of EMPATHY for others.

Hear more about parenting through the excessive complaining by listening to our podcast at the link below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaxk6U4SLRM&t=1459s

http://rocksolidfamilies.org

Wisdom from Grandpa's Old Sayings

When I was young my dad, Merrill Sr, used to say things that my siblings and I would either laugh at, ignore, or just shake our heads because we thought he was a little crazy.  As we got older, we started to pay more attention to his seemingly meaningless phrases and began to realize he was attempting to impart a little wisdom on us without a long and drawn out sermon.  My dad was the master of idioms. Seldom did he have a conversation where he would not resort to one of his favorite nuggets of wisdom. Maybe some of them bring back memories from your childhood too. Here are some of his favorites.

• Don’t worry about the mule going blind, just load the wagon!

• Do something even if it’s wrong!

• Stop spinning your wheels!

• Busier than a one-armed paper hanger!

• It’s hotter than the hinges of hades.

• Don’t let the cat out of the bag.

• Better to let a sleeping dog lie

• Dumber than a box of rocks

• Happier than a pig in poop

• Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while

• Make hay while the suns a shining

• It’s not rocket science

• A good run is better than a poor stand

• The straw that broke the camel’s back

• Grass is always greener on the other side

• Don’t count your chickens before the eggs have hatched

• We’ll cross that bridge when you come to it

• Burning the candle at both ends

I could go on and on, and I’m sure you can think of many more used in your house. So, what’s so special about all these old sayings? Just like the tune of a old song can get stuck in your head, so too can these words of wisdom.  Passing wisdom down from one generation to the next happens through a variety of ways- stories, songs, poems, movies, etc as well as old sayings and idioms.

As this holiday season approaches, you may find yourself surrounded by friends and family. Take time to ask questions and tune in to stories of those you love and care about. Listen closely to the wisdom they impart. Take time to think about how you have learned so many of the values that guide you through your life.  Maybe even write some of them down. Give credit to the people who passed those values to you, and think about how you want to pass them along.

My children are always talking about grandpa’s old sayings. Several years ago, my son and nephew were so inspired by their grandpa’s one liners that they gave him a recording device to capture his funny and interesting sayings. They asked their grandpa to set the device by his recliner and record his thoughts and one liners.  My dad thought it was kind of fun idea and took them up on their idea. Over the course of the several months, my dad would grab the recorder and share some of his favorites for his grandkids.  

Today, my dad is 89 and struggles to recall much of anything, but thanks to my son and nephew, we have an entire collection of grandpa’s sayings to pass to the next generation.  It’s such a blessing to close our eyes and listen to grandpa’s voice as he imparts nuggets of wisdom and timeless teachings about the things that really matter. That’s a gift to be truly thankful for. Thanks, Dad! We love you!

Being Canceled by Cancel Culture

There were no warnings given. No explanation offered. It was just another normal day at work a few weeks ago when Merrill opened his email to find he had been permanently deleted from Facebook. After several attempts to contact them, they refused to give him any chance to appeal their decision. After all, it’s a free platform and according to the terms and conditions you agreed to when you signed up, they don’t owe you any explanation. 

Mob Rule
Welcome to the world of cancel culture where you can be thrust out of social or professional circles at the click of a button. Maybe you’ve experienced it too? Whether it be online or in person, cancel culture is real but the attitude toward it is as vast as the world wide web. Cancel Culture is all about momentum, so the faster you build alliances with like-minded people, the more you feel protected by the mob. This momentum can be so powerful it can be like a tsunami wave crushing anything in its wake and taking you down a path you never imagined you would ever be on.

Greatest Target of Cancel Culture
The phrase "cancel culture" has been used to describe a wide range of behaviors, including intimidation, exclusion, and online shaming and bullying, but canceling people because of who they are or what they do is nothing new.  The most recognized person who ever walked the earth was a victim of cancel culture - Jesus Christ. He was falsely accused, publicly rejected, and ultimately put to death because he challenged many of the religious beliefs and practices of his day. He was a threat to the political and religious establishment of his time. Despite his physical death, Christians believe he was resurrected on the third day and his message of unconditional love and forgiveness continues to resonate in our world today.

Speaking the Truth in Love
Have you been publicly ridiculed for defending the name of Jesus or speaking God’s truth over a situation? As Christ followers, we are warned over and over again in God’s Word that we will face persecution just as Jesus did. We can only speculate since no warning or explanation was given, but maybe that’s why Merrill was permanently deleted from Facebook? At Rock Solid Families, regardless of what the cultural or political establishments say or do, we will continue to share truths from God’s Word in a way that honors God.

In Acts 4, Peter and John were called unschooled, ordinary men, but yet spoke with great boldness despite the opposition and threats they experienced. The bible calls all believers to “speak the truth in love”. (Ephesians 4:15).  We are told to “always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect”. (1 Peter 3:15). 
Four Guiding Principles to Remember

So how should Christians respond to today’s cancel culture? There is no easy answer or one size fits all response, but below are four guiding principles God weaves all throughout his word.

1. We all sin and fall short of God’s glory.  We all make mistakes, and we all say and do things we regret. We should be willing to forgive others, just as God has forgiven us, but this doesn’t mean that we will always be able to ever trust that person again. God does command us to get rid of anger or bitterness. That’s for OUR benefit. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is essential for our own healing and growth. 

2. We are not the judge-God is. We do not know the full story of someone's life, and we cannot know their heart. We should be slow to condemn others, and quick to offer grace and compassion.

3. We are called to speak the truth in love. We should not be afraid to call out injustice and harmful behavior. However, we should do so in a way that is loving and respectful. Our goal should never be rejection or hate but instead love and redemption. 

4. We are called to love and forgive others the way Christ loved and forgave us. This is God’s greatest commandment and it’s the key to overcoming cancel culture. When we focus on loving others, we are less likely to be offended or angered by their words or actions. We are more likely to be understanding and forgiving.

So the next time you feel excluded, shamed, or bullied or see it going on around you, step back and take a deep breath. Don’t react or join in on the mob mentality out of pressure, anger, or fear. Think about a way to respond that would be loving, compassionate, and Christ-like. Help to create a culture of accountability and respect where we can have open and honest conversations about difficult topics even when we disagree. Shine the light of Christ into that darkness and help make a difference in our world today.

We want to thank all our Rock Solid Families partners and sponsors for believing in our mission of strong and healthy families. You are helping to shine the light of Christ into the darkness. We live in a broken world in need of a Savior, and we are committed to offer that HOPE and HEALING to anyone who will listen. For a list of all our Rock Solid Partners, click HERE. Because of you, we can fight for those who can’t fight for themselves and stand for truth even when we are criticized or canceled.

Pleasure over Pain, Please!

How comfortable are you with uncomfortable conversations? How well do you handle stressful situations? Do you find yourself avoiding your boss at work, because he seems to only point out your flaws, rather than acknowledge what you’ve successfully accomplished? When situations get serious, do you tend to crack a joke to break the uneasy tension? How often do you scroll aimlessly through social media or binge watch a television series to escape reality? Of course we’d much rather receive praise over criticism, laugh instead of cry, and distract ourselves rather than ruminate on our daily stressors. Given the choice, we would choose comfort over discomfort every time. 

It’s a No-Brainer
Pleasure over pain, please! Oh the things we do to protect ourselves from feeling discomfort. This is such an innate reaction for us that we don’t even realize how often we are doing it.  Everyday we combat distressing thoughts and feelings through defense mechanisms. A defense mechanism is an unconscious means to decrease internal stress. We don’t even have to think about it, our brains just activate into protection mode. The limbic system plays a major role in this, which involves the part of our brain responsible for behavioral and emotional responses, especially when it comes to our survival instincts, such as fight or flight. We are literally wired to protect ourselves. 

Formed from Emotional Wounds
Although we all have this innate reaction to defend ourselves, the more emotional wounds we’ve endured, the stronger our defenses become. When experiencing frequent or repeated emotionally distressing events, defenses can become really strong in order to protect from feeling emotional discomfort or pain. Think of it as building this brick wall around your heart or wearing full body armor like a knight. You’ve been emotionally hurt to the point you refuse to let anyone or anything even have the chance to cause you pain. 

For individuals who have experienced a lot of hurt or loss, especially throughout their early childhood, defense mechanisms can become so hardwired that they present themselves in situations we rationally do not need defending. It’s as if our brain perceives a “threat” that actually isn’t there. An example of this would be if you’ve experienced abandonment in your past and you start to avoid your friend who hasn’t spoken to you in a few weeks. In reality, your friend has been busy with a new job, however your past abandonment wounds perceive she is leaving you, so your defenses come up to protect from the possibility of getting hurt. Although defense mechanisms initially serve to protect us, over time they can create major barriers in our relationships and hinder our personal growth. Ultimately, continuing to live from our defense mechanisms may be hindering our relationship with God and living out the life He intended for us. 

How to Let Your Guard Down
Awareness is key. We can’t change something if we aren’t aware it exists. What are common defense mechanisms you may be using? Avoidance, distraction, deflection, denial, or humor? Click HERE to check out our handout of defense mechanisms and see which ones stand out to you. Once you’ve identified your go-to defenses, be curious why these defenses are coming up for you. What are you attempting to protect yourself from?  What emotions are you feeling when these defenses arise? Are there emotional wounds you haven’t dealt with yet? 

If you are thinking to yourself right now, “Psh, I don’t have any emotional wounds”, I gently encourage you to reference the “denial” defense mechanism; Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world and we ALL have been hurt at some point in our lives. After you’ve identified your defenses and start to uncover where they stem from, I encourage you to seek trusted support to process through your emotional wounds. The world teaches us that being emotional is a weakness. “Suck it up and move on.” The truth is, until we allow ourselves to sit with our emotions and process through them, they will continue to control us.

From Defensive to Defended
This fallen world has wired us to defend ourselves, but this isn’t the life God intended for us. God is our defender, shelter, shield, and our rock. The Lord guards our hearts and our minds (Philippians 4:7). We are hidden in Him (Colossians 3:3), and we are more than conquerors through Him (Romans 8:37). We aren’t meant to carry our burdens (Psalm 55:22), and we aren’t supposed to fight this battle on our own (Deuteronomy 3:22). “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14). I want to encourage you to take off the armor you’ve created from the hurts of this world, and put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6). Seek His help and comfort in times of distress, and allow Him to heal your emotional wounds of the past.

Are You An Insecure Parent?

Recently, a divorced mom came to see me wanting help with the relationship with her adult children. The more we talked, the more she began to realize just how insecure and anxious she was as a parent raising her children as a single mom.  She lived in a constant state of anxious “what ifs”.  She also struggled with guilt from the divorce and not being “good enough” as a parent.

After our first session, I gave her some homework and asked her to begin reading the New York Times Best selling book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. At our next meeting, she shared with me how one line in the book stopped her in her tracks and opened her eyes. She even sent the quote to her adult daughter and asked her…”is this how I made you feel growing up”? This is what she read in that book that was so impactful for her… “To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.”― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

Does that quote describe you?   Are you parenting out of fear and insecurity rescuing your son or daughter from the natural consequences of their behavior?  I have to admit for a long time that was me too. It was my own insecurities and fear that drove many of my decisions as a parent. Thankfully, I am married to an adventurer and risk taker, who helped me see exactly what Dr. Henry Cloud was talking about in his book, Boundaries. I didn’t want to hold my children back from being all that God had designed them to be. 

Here are our Five Insecurity Busters that I learned the hard way in becoming a healthy, secure parent. I hope these five tools help empower you and your children to be all that God created them to be. 

1. IDENTIFY your own fears AND how they influence your parenting decisions. What in your background or past are you running or hiding from? What happened to you that you have never healed from or dealt with that you are now trying to protect your children from? We can’t heal from something we don’t acknowledge. If you don’t know where to start, seek wise biblical counsel to help you see past your blinders. 

2. EQUIP your Children for Difficult Times. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage,  “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach him how to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” Let’s face it, your children  will have difficult times. Don’t try and save them from difficult things. You leave them ill equipped and unprepared to face difficulties.  In other words, you render them powerless.

3. TEACH your kids how TO  assess “Risk vs Reward” when making any decision and then let them reap the reward or consequences of those decisions. Remember what Dr. Henry Cloud said in the book Boundaries, we don’t want to rescue our children from the natural consequences of their decisions. Help them learn this now while they are still under your roof.

4. ENCOURAGE your kids to build up their resilience muscles.  When they get knocked down, encourage them to get back up. Acknowledge and have empathy for their pain, but don’t protect them from failure or hurt. 

5. MODEL a dependency on God for your strength, comfort, and direction. A healthy dependence and trust in God is the greatest insecurity buster ever. Knowing God is bigger than anything they may face in life is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give your children. Teach them to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”  Matthew 6:33.

We all struggle at times with our own insecurities, but as parents, we must try NOT to pass them along to our children. They will have enough natural ones on their own as they grow and mature.  If we truly want to help the next generation we must give them the tools they need to handle the challenges of life rather than hide and shelter them from them.

Reasonable risks and adventures are healthy and necessary for your child to grow to their greatest potential. Again, let’s stop handicapping our kids out of our own fears and limitations. Let’s teach and equip our children  how to overcome the challenges they will inevitably face in life and set them up for great success. 

God has NOT given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

For more information on Insecure Parenting, check out Episode 232 of Rock Solid Radio that airs April 17, 2023 or click HERE for more good stuff on Faith, Family and Personal Wellness.