Time for Some Marriage Spring Cleaning

Every Spring, I get the bug to do some spring cleaning. I love to open my windows and let the fresh air in. The problem with that is I also have to take the time to wipe away all the cobwebs and bugs that have found a way in between the screens and windows over the cold winter months. There also seems to be a layer of dust and grime that settles on the windowsills too. Please say you have experienced this too. I can’t be the only one?

Well, the spring is also a great time to clean away the dirt and bugs that can “rot” away at our marriage. Some of these things can be like termites that quickly do extreme damage, and other things are more like a slow fade of the relationship. Either way, it’s time for some spring cleaning. 

Transparency is critical in growing a healthy marriage especially if trust has been broken before. Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together. Take the time NOW to get rid of the things that could keep it from growing and being healthy. 

Here are five basics to help with your Marriage Spring Cleaning:

1. Spend at  least 15 minutes a day of uninterrupted time talking to your spouse. Take the time to not just ask them what happened in their day but how they are doing. Intimacy is built when each spouse feels heard and understood. Don’t let bitterness or resentment build up like that grime on my window sill. 

2. Protect your relationship from other outside forces that want to beat against your house and try to steal your time and attention. Whether it be a whiny child, an overworking boss or a flirtatious neighbor, keep your marriage protected and kept it as top priority in your life. 

3. Be a united front when it comes to kids, finances, faith, future, etc. A house divided against itself can not stand. If you come to an impasse on a topic, get some outside help to resolve the problem so the “bugs” of division and bitterness don’t creep in and destroy your relationship. 

4. Think and speak positively about one another whether you’re together or not. Praise and affirm your spouse on a regular basis and you’ll make coming home to you that much more enjoyable.

5. Have fun together. A family that plays together stays together. Life can’t always be serious and hard. Life today can be very stressful, and you want your house to be a house of peace and joy. As the weather gets nicer, spend time outdoors together. Go for a walk. Take the kids to a park. Work on a project together in the yard. 

So there you have it. Five quick things you can do TODAY to spruce up your marriage and get it ready for a season of joy and peace. Of course, there are so many other, but these are just five quick things you can do that can have quite a positive impact on your future relationships.  Again, if these things seem impossible or out of reach for you, get some outside help. There is HOPE for a better tomorrow no matter how much damage or “rot” has occurred in your relationships. Take the time now to get rid of any residual hurt or issue in your marriage, so your relationship has the best chance to grow and bloom into something beautiful this year. 

Blissful Ignorance - Story of Dale and Marie

When I first met with Dale and Marie for their premarital counseling a few years ago, they were like most young, engaged couples planning their wedding... so in love and so ready to get this over with. The premarital counseling that is, so they could get to the “good stuff”. During our premarital sessions, we spent time learning important communication and conflict resolution tools. We talked about taking the time to build a marriage on a firm foundation and the storms that may come after they say “ I do”. You know storms like infertility and infidelity. Things that can punch you in the gut and take your breath away like cancer or COVID.   Back then, neither one really thought they needed to worry about storms. After all, they were in love. That was until their marriage hit an iceberg at the end of last year and started to sink. 

Not Good
Both admit things had not been good for the past 18 months since their little one was born.  They would have petty fights that were never resolved - just brushed under the rug. Marie was distracted by her new role as a young new mom while Dale started to look elsewhere for some time and attention. That’s what Marie saw growing up. Conflict was never shown in her home, just minimized and ignored until her dad was caught in a 10 yr affair and her parents’ marriage ended after more than 25 years. So when Marie caught Dale in a 9 month affair just a couple years into their marriage, she braced for the worst. 

Painful Tears
It didn’t come easy nor without a lot of painful tears, but I’m thankful to report Dale and Marie are still together and stronger than they’ve ever been before. There was no quick fix for the pain, but both were patient and trusted God to do something new in their marriage. Dale and Marie now realize that their thinking before they got married was no more than “blissful ignorance”. Quickly after they said “I do”, they got distracted by the busyness of being new working parents and let their guard down. They got impatient with each other and stopped working on the most important relationships in their life - their relationship with Christ and their marriage. We’re no good to our kids when those two things are not our top priorities. 

Rebuilding Trust
After being confronted with the affair, Dale completely owned his unfaithfulness to Marie and took the necessary steps to regain her trust again. He was transparent and patient with her as different triggers brought her past back into the present. Dale and Marie have done the hard work to rebuild trust and they now have safeguards in their marriage to prioritize and protect it. When I asked Dale and Marie what has now made the biggest difference in their marriage, these are the safeguards they wanted to share:

Marriage Safeguards

1. Seek professional help BEFORE you turn to someone or something else. Don’t do what Dale did. Get help sooner. There is HOPE and HELP available. Don’t let money be the reason why you don’t seek help sooner. Rock Solid Families is a ministry first. They will never turn anyone away due to someone’s inability to pay. 

2. Involve God in your relationship and your healing. His word teaches us how to forgive and trust again. Worship and pray together. That has made an eternal difference for Dale and Marie.

3. Take a timeout when things get heated, but make sure conflict gets resolved. Dale and Marie now understand the importance of resolving conflict and NOT letting things get brushed under the rug. 

4. Go to bed together if at all possible. If you are always too busy or too tired to sleep in the same bed at the same time, that’s a red flag of a deeper issue.

5. Billy Graham Rule. Protect your marriage from any outside temptation. Don’t drive, dine or have personal private conversations with someone of the opposite sex. This safeguard would have saved Dale and Marie a lot of heartache. 

Stronger Than Ever
In our last session together, Dale and Marie were giddy sitting in my office holding hands talking about the new memories they were excited to create as a family. I am so proud of them and how hard they both worked to rebuild trust in their relationship. No more blissful ignorance for Dale and Marie. They now see the importance of having safeguards and intentionally protecting their marriage from the storms of life. They give God all the glory for where their marriage is today and thank Him for how he used one of the most painful experiences in their life to make them stronger than ever before. 

Rebuilding Trust

As a teacher and coach, I loved challenging my students’ fears and insecurities with the famous trust fall. Pairing up classmates or teammates, I would have them face each other, cross arms and lock hands with their partner standing across from them. All while one scared teenager stood high on a ladder with their back to the group ready to fall into their arms.  It was so cool watching student after student face their fears and take that leap of faith falling safely into the arms of their peers. But what happens when your teammate drops you? How do you rebuild trust and ever take that risk again? 

What if We Get Dropped?
Rebuilding trust is a HUGE issue in our world today.  If we’re being honest, probably all of us have been hurt by someone before who broke our trust. Then how do we rebuild trust after someone has betrayed us or let us fall? Whether it be a spouse, child, parent, friend, coworker or boss, can we ever truly forgive someone who has literally or figuratively “dropped” us? And does forgiveness always mean we should trust them again? 

Every day, people walk into our doors at Rock Solid Families feeling angry and wounded because someone broke their trust. Some have been so hurt by the offense and have no idea where to begin. They want to experience peace and joy again, but instead feel chained by bitterness and unforgiveness. 

Forgiveness vs. Trust
Ideally, a relationship is restored when both partners forgive each other and themselves and trust again, but that’s easier said than done. At Rock Solid Families, one thing that has helped individuals and relationships heal is separating the decision to forgive from the concept of trust. 

You’ve probably heard the old adage about what happens to US, the offended, when we chose NOT to forgive our offender. “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison ourselves and waiting for the other person to die.” Bitterness and anger begin to grow when we harbor those negative feelings of unforgiveness. It eats US up from the inside out. 

Forgiveness is a decision we can make regardless of whether the person who hurt us is sorry for what they did or does anything to make amends. Forgiveness takes the control away from our offender and puts the power solely in our own hands. It is a decision that can set US free and bring US peace regardless, if the relationship is restored or not. 

Trust is a Two Way Street
Trust, on the other hand, is a two way street. Trust says I not only forgive you for dropping me, but I’m willing to try it again. Some would say that’s insane, but for others, the relationship is worth the risk. Maybe it's trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. Maybe, it’s with an adult child after they’ve been caught in addiction.  In order for the relationship to be restored in a healthy way, rebuilding trust is an essential next step. It isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight, but restoring trust is possible and can even make the relationship better and stronger if done right. 

Steps for the Offender to Rebuild Trust
Step One-Take Responsibility for the hurt you caused and admit your wrongs- This first step is so hard for the offender, because pride gets in the way. No one likes to admit they were wrong; let alone take responsibility for hurting someone else. 

Step Two-Be Patient with the Offended-If you have hurt someone, rebuilding trust is going to take time and as the offender, you don’t get to decide how long. The greater the offense, the longer it takes to rebuild trust.  

Step Three – Mean What you Say; Say what you mean. Make sure people can count on your word even with the little things. Don’t be surprised if it takes time for those around you to trust your word again. You’re the one who broke trust.

Step Four – Be Honest and Transparent. If you want to rebuild trust, you have to show the person you offended that you have nothing to hide. That may mean sharing passwords and your whereabouts and not getting defensive or angry when someone asks.

Step Five– Confess Promptly. No one’s perfect, so when you do mess up make sure you own it BEFORE you’re caught in it. As the Scottish novelist, George MacDonald once said, “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved”

Steps for the Offended in Trusting Again
Step One-Remember, no one is perfect including you, but also never forget God doesn’t make junk. Your worth and value come from a God who loves you and created you in His image not from anyone or anything. Search your heart and make sure you are not trying to hold your offender hostage through your unforgiveness. Remember, unforgiveness only hurts YOU. 

Step Two-Surround yourself with healthy, safe people. Seek wise counsel to help you work through the forgiveness process. Find someone neutral like a counselor or pastor who will help you sort out truth from lies.Get professional help if you have relationship wounds that are not healing right. 

Step Three-Step back and let the emotions settle before you make any decisions. Let your words be few. You don’t want to say or do something you will later regret. Don’t stoop to the level of your offender and seek revenge. Keep your character and integrity high. 

Step Four-Protect yourself from any kind of physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse. Forgiveness does not mean you become a martyr or victim. Trust may not be possible in the relationship if the offender does not own their mistakes and take the steps to rebuild trust.

Step Five-Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes two people and takes time. Be patient with yourself and learn to trust again.  Search your heart for any hurt or wrong you have caused in the relationship and own your part whenever possible. Extend grace to the offender if there is real effort being made to restore trust. As long as you’re breathing, there will always be a chance of getting hurt, so learn these skills of forgiveness and rebuilding trust now. It’s worth the effort. 

Emotional Healing is Possible
Don’t stay trapped or paralyzed by old memories or past hurts. Emotional healing is possible! We all need healthy people in our lives. We were not made to do life alone. Healthy relationships are worth fighting for.  When you can think back on the offense and not feel wounded anymore, you’re well on your way to true healing and lasting peace.